LyinEyes

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Posts by LyinEyes

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  14

  Just a small part of me

  by nilfun in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  this is a small part of me.. it is a strange thing how sometimes only one.

  child in a family will be mistreated, while the rest are spared.. it makes it difficult if not impossible to talk about things that happened.

  to me without some of my family members expressing disbelief.

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  LyinEyes

  Edited by - LyinEyes on 15 September 2002 4:44:2
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  14

  Just a small part of me

  by nilfun in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  this is a small part of me.. it is a strange thing how sometimes only one.

  child in a family will be mistreated, while the rest are spared.. it makes it difficult if not impossible to talk about things that happened.

  to me without some of my family members expressing disbelief.

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  LyinEyes

  Edited by - LyinEyes on 15 September 2002 4:43:22
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  14

  Just a small part of me

  by nilfun in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  this is a small part of me.. it is a strange thing how sometimes only one.

  child in a family will be mistreated, while the rest are spared.. it makes it difficult if not impossible to talk about things that happened.

  to me without some of my family members expressing disbelief.

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  LyinEyes

  Believe me I know I don't have all the answers . I guess I just wanted to say that recovery takes many years , if not an entire lifetime. You may not notice the small things that begin to change about you on the road to recovery. I found it interesting to find a journal I wrote back a year ago, when I first left the WT. In it I still believed most of all the Bible and what the WT said about the end of the world etc. I just thought that it was me and I couldnt go on in staying in something I personally couldnt live up to. I started studing the WT history and started questioning things and before long, I was really moving my heart away from being a JW. The first 6 months, was up and down, I questioned my choice of leaving, wondering if I would die , if armeggedon did come. But slowly but surely things started to make a little more sense, I started having peace in my mind and the nightmares stopped.

  The horrible armeggedon nightmares actually stopped and I havent had one since.

  You know the things in my childhood and other things in my life, I know I will never forget them. I guess I would not be me if I forgot it all, it took up so many of my years. It would be great to forget them , but that is not always possible. I think we have to learn to live with the memories and not let them take over our happiness . If we do, we become our own enemy. It is like if our parents are not there to abuse us, we are so conditioned to abuse ourselves by not being happy, not enjoying life .

  I wish you the very best and hope that you find peace along your road to recovery.

  A very sweet lady told me when I first came to this site,,,,,,, take a year , get to know yourself and don't try to find out all of the answers all at once.

  I have really had to fight this, being I am a person who wants to know my future as soon as possible. But even if I tried it was exhausting and I knew she was right. Give it time and things will come to you clear as crystal when you are ready to deal with them.

  Hugggggggggggs Dede
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  41

  Why so much mental illness among JW's?

  by cherjcd in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i have just added an audio tape on mental illness among jehovah's witnesses by jerry bergman.

  http://www.jwinfoline.com/page/audio_tapes_of_month.htm.

  it is interesting to hear the reasons why jehovah's witnesses have a much higher rate of mental illness than the normal population.

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  LyinEyes

  I totally agree with all comments made so far on this subject. If your were born into the relgion you had no choice, and you have to wonder about the mental conditions of the parents that choose this religion. My mom was only 16 or 17 when the witnesses came knocking at her door, she was alone during the day, preg. with me and missed her family very much. To add to that her mother disapproved of everything she had done . She was a prime target for the witnesses to take her under their wing, wasnt long before Dad went for it to. The rest is history for me. Born and breed in the JW.

  I had mental basket cases for parents and they passed the basket to me. I suffered from exactly what Faraon on said, ,,, I went agaist my own conscious being a JW, even thou it was all I knew. My parents were the biggest jw hypocrites ever and I saw that , didnt understand it all at the time,thou. It went against my conscious as a JW that God would destroy EVERYONE but JW's at armeggedon, it bothered me about d/f and shunning. It just didnt seem very Christ like at all. I saw too many cover ups and bullcrap to know something was not right, yet I couldnt walk away from it. I became emotionally addicted to my weekly "mind beatings" for my sinful thoughts and actions , at every meeting. After a person is put thru hearing what crap they are for not putting in more time in service etc. they begin to learn how to torment themselves.

  We torment ourselves , with our own conscious, we are taught by the WT that everything should bother our conscious and if it doesnt then something is wrong. Then we try and make it happen.

  Can you see how exhausting this is, no wonder so many JW go to their room and lock the door.

  I guess that is why when you see the end of the rope , you grab it , the end of my rope was last year . I found the internet and hung on for dear life. It helped me to ease my conscious, by seeing how off balance I was a person. Talking to others helped me see that we all felt the same way, and we were not isolated cases. It was spooky about how much we had in common, the same story just different places and faces. It helped me to let the real me come out, my conscious stopped being my enemy and I gave it a good rest for awhile. LOL.

  Like I said before , the mind games the WT uses, all the double talk , the changes , the coverups the lies, just take a toll on the mind of one who wants so desperatly to believe and to trust.

  It is hard to learn to use you mind , all by yourself , alone without the WT telling you how to think. But doing so has been a rewarding thing for me. I don't fight my inner being as much anymore, I am accepting myself and even am beginning to like myself. I am still recovering , so bare with me. LOL
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  24

  Sponge Bob

  by RR in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i just love this:.

  captain:are you ready kids?kids:aye-aye captain.captain:i can't hear you...kids:aye-aye captain!!captain:oh!

  who lives in a pineapple under the sea?kids:spongebob squarepants!captain:absorbent and yellow and porous is he!kids:spongebob squarepants!captain:if nautical nonsense be something you wish...kids:spongebob squarepants!captain:then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!kids:spongebob squarepants!captain:ready?everybody: spongebob squarepants!

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  LyinEyes

  Ok , I may regret saying this ,,,,,,, but at this very moment in time I am sick of spongebob!!!!!

  We just had a birthday party here, and it was spongebob everything. Spongebob table clothe, spongebob hats, spongebob plates, t-shirts, and even the cake was spongebob.I have been cleaning up blue and yellow spongebob cake all day!!!!!!!! ERRRRRRRRRR

  Ok I got that out of my system,,,,,,,,,,, ( I really do like spongebob thou) just needed a break from him today.AHHHHHHHH
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  23

  I am new to this site.... I wish to tell my story.

  by Cyn in

  1. watchtower
  2. medical

  my name is cynthia... i have had depression as a child ( undiagnosed ) father was possibly bipolar and mother is depressive both undiagnosed.....my journry into the org along with how the depression became a mental breakdown , which i thought was jehovah removing his spirirt.

  my sruggle with the elders......and the many ways and people i sought help from.....well it is all a long story......... included in it.

  jws i have known with mental health issues.......breakdowns.......psych docs have had discussed this with........ i would like to relate my story.....i was so ill..nearly catotonic i did not go to a hospital but if i relate how i felt.........it was clear...... how i was afraid of crossing the street because the green light may have been really a red light and i was told so often by the elders that my thinking was wrong...... ie " they were showing love by isolating me ( a depressed person) because i needed to be active and i was not complying..they said they tried ll that they coudl when in reality it was i always i that reached out to them ( thinking they were chosen of god)...... well..i just gave a sampler....my story is very long...i have been tenatious i read so much ( even before becoming a jw ) about depression and dysfunctional families... i was a teacher did not gte my ma ..people here know why i am sure..... well...before i write this story of mine...i would like to ask..if i can do it in intallments........those i relate my story to say i should write a book..........i am not " out of the woods yet".........by the way.......i came to the point that i could not leave my room..... i live in nyc and i was able to speak to bethel elders including g. gangus.... i was very sincere......naive idealistic.............i asked qiestions thinking that surly god understood ...that my motives were good... .

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  LyinEyes

  Welcome , Cyn.

  I look forward to hearing more of your story, I am sure you will find that so many have a common bond here. Sad to say but we all suffered from abuse , depression, and the good ole ups and downs of life, so we all understand your need to express yourself.

  This place has been a great healing place for me and has given me an outlet to vent my frustrations. Even if I just tell how my day went or to brag on my kids .It also gives my husband (he come here too) andme alot to talk about.

  Hope you enjoy it here, look forward to hearing more from you.
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  24

  In Memory of a diff.kind of Silentlamb -Pics

  by LyinEyes in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  most of you know about my mother, she passed away from this world 17 yrs ago tomorrow, sept. 15, 1985. her passing was very hard on my sister and me , because it was a suicide.

  she had been a witness for 16 years and even almost died standing up for the blood issue in 1983, due to a stomach ulcer, and too many asprins.

  her blood count went down to 2 and she had to be put in a lear jet to get to houston, tx.

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  LyinEyes

  Thanks for the kind words. It means the world to me.

  I just wanted to add that tonight don't feel overwhelming saddness as I have for so long. I don't know why exactly, but I have some ideas, I feel more at peace than ever. It happened so long ago, yet sometimes it hits me really hard. But today I wanted to honor her, not so much my grief, but my rememberance of her. I think that being JW's , you are not allowed to grieve the way you should. Therefore , you can never move forward, if you don't address the past that haunts you if you dont.

  This year has been the best year of my life, I am almost exactly the same age as my mother when she died. If I live to my next birthday, in dec. I will have out lived my own mom in years. That is just weird to me. It has made me understand what a child she still was in so many ways. Having my own kids, being in the JW's and coming to terms how my dad really was, I have come to understand her. It is like she is not really gone. Even if she can not talk back to me, or know me anymore, my relationship with her lives , as long as I do. I hope there is an afterlife so that I can tell her I understand alot more than I did back then, and I am sorry for being too hard on her. I now know how hard it is to be a mother.

  So this year I decided to not grieve as I have before, but try to smile and think of the great things about her and forget the bad. Even forget the choice she made to end her life. Just let it go,,,,,,, for now anyway. And if she is up there, she will know, that life for me is pretty good.
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  27

  Excited, surprised and thrilled

  by Lady Lee in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  yesterday i was at the book store and picked up a book titled recovering from sexual abuse, addictions, and compulsive behaviors.

  i thought it would be great for my job.

  i was sitting in the tub earlier reading the preface, acknowledgemetns and introduction (yes i read those).

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  LyinEyes

  LadyLee ,,,,,,,,,,,, WOW!!!!

  That must be a wonderful feeling !!!

  Just a side note to you,,,,,,,,,, many of the things you have written in your post, since I have been here have been very helpful in my recovery. Keep up the good work,,,,,,,,,,, your contributions are helping many.

  Again,,,,,,, so happy for you ,,,,,,,,,,,, Dede
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  27

  The Blessings of Owning A Pet

  by Sentinel in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  guess what?

  today we went to a local pet store, where they have these homeless animals, especially kittens brought in every weekend for a few hours to be adopted out.. we got there at a bit after two, and they were packing up to leave for the day.

  but, we had seen a cute kitten and the lady who takes care of these animals in transit, stayed so we could pick out the one we wanted.. mind you, this was one of those spur of the moment decisions.

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  LyinEyes

  I have two dogs and two new kittens. I have three kids and one hubby. At the moment I have about 11 kids in a room, trying to get them to go to sleep( slumber/birthday party) and I still love to hold my kittens!!!!!!!!!!

  You are right, animals are great , just watching them can make me laugh and they sense when you are down.

  My black lab is especially sensitive to how a person is feeling. The other day, I watched almost all day the 9/11 coverage and that dog never ONCE left my side , that whole day. I didnt notice it until my son and I were watching it late at night. I thought I should sit with him and go over what happened, in case he needed it for school material or something. I told my son, I don't think I could watch anymore, I was all cried out, and then the dog , put her head on my lap and looked at me so sweetly. I truly think animals feel your emotions and can be great company too.

  Have fun with your new kitten, and don't worry those two cats will be laying together soon. My kitten sleeps with my pug and it is the cutes sight to see. The lab tolerates them and trys to play , but I think she would like to harrass them more than anything. LOL
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  19

  Some Elders Have Had Mistress'

  by wednesday in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  being in the org for a very long time i have seen people do all kinds of things .

  one thing that i have never really seen discussed is how common it is for an elder to have a mistress in the background.

  oh he may not be actually sleeping with her, but i personally for over 20 years was a second "wife "to an elder.

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  LyinEyes

  Yes, I have heard of it and seen the horrors of it in my own home. My dad, an elder, used to give a nice , young , slim attractive sister alot of personal help. He loaned her money and he gave her "spiritual guidence" just he and her, alone in our office. I was right in the other room, and had to give her a coke, it was our place of business. My mother was a few hundred years upstairs in our home. Even when I knew , that my dad was wrong, I couldnt say a word, out of fear of him. Everything I had ever known was such a lie, so many hypocrites and the worst ones were the elders , my dad being the worst of all.

  My dad must have developed a love for this sister, or call it what you will, and he cheated on my mother and left her. I begged him to stay with my mom, she needed him greatly , (read my thread of today and you will see the bigger picture) , but he did not.

  My life was never the same. I lost my dad to the other woman the same way my mother did. It makes me sick that this is allowed to go on. I do understand why elders say they should not be alone with a sister or counsel a sister alone, things do happen.

  Anyway,,, there are too many victims and lives altered by even platonic relationships , when they come between husband and wife. Emotional adultery is as harmful, if not worse than just a physical one.

  If only my dad would have heeded the advice to not counsel a sister alone, ,,,,, but then again he could have choose to do it behind closed doors anyway.