My plan--fully revealed (page 8)

Q. Bert

Empathy is very important for any counsel to have real success.

My time in Kansas has not really changed anything. I came out here to help take care of my Grandmother. And I am just doing that. I have no life I work, sleep, and eat. No I haven't met anybody while I am out here, just because I don't have time or the energy. I have alot of things taken away from me when I moved out here. My friends is the main part. At least in TN I could go out with Steph or Sarah. And there I was talking to someone.

And I think you are getting the wrong idea of who I am. Our marriage was not the greatest. We had money problems, there was infidelty on my part, and there was emotional abuse on both parts. There is alot of healing on both parts. And I will leave this for now

Amanda

bernadette

((((((((Amanda)))))))))

Sorry about your grandma being ill - your life sounds really tough at the moment.

junctions-wife

Thank-you Bernadette, She actually fell and broke her hip back in August. When my mom and me came out to visit then we decided it was time for us to come home. I love my grandmother dearly, And I have learned alot from her, like knitting crocheting and baking. She is the only Grandparent I have left other than step-grandparents. But she lives in 5 bedroom house all alone and when she fell it took three hours to get the phone to call 911. Since then we have brought in medic alert system while we are away at work. There is not many days she is alone now.

It is not that my life is tough right now, I just don't know what I want. I have had to depend on Dave for so much in the past, And he would always that I couldn't do something without him. I am a stubborn, hardheaded woman who thinks she can do it all. And maybe Dave is right but I am not ready to give up yet. My bills are still getting paid on my own for right now. And I have some extra money left over.

Amanda

bernadette

It is not that my life is tough right now, I just don't know what I want. I have had to depend on Dave for so much in the past, And he would always that I couldn't do something without him. I am a stubborn, hardheaded woman who thinks she can do it all. And maybe Dave is right but I am not ready to give up yet. My bills are still getting paid on my own for right now. And I have some extra money left over.

You sound a lot like what I'm trying to do too. I definitely understand the need for space and trust for now.

Junction-Guy

Sorry i havent posted yet on this thread, but I have been busy this morning doing laundry, and also today is my "study" day. Maybe later on today I can talk more.

Q. Bert

As is common to all of us, life's details aren't always pretty. Sometimes we think things through, and acknowledge and respect our feelings and those of our neighbors. At other times, we cut and run and busy ourselves with something else, or someone else's problems, leaving our own problems left untended. Sometimes we present conflicting messages such as regarding whether any abuse took place. Perhaps it's a matter of how abuse is defined. Perhaps it's a matter of wanting to avoid negative comments from others. Infidelity and emotional abuse are serious breaches in a relationship; both require a serious look inward, as seems to be occurring at last. That's an excellent start. You mention that there is a lot of healing (still on-going) on both parts. An honest discussion and apologies all around works better than everyone covering up and hiding, as you both have no doubt experienced. Genesis 3 shows what covering up and hiding got one couple. I think we can all do better than that, if we are honest and face up to things without being prompted. That's generally what allows human to be friends with one another (you have mentioned love, friendship, and happiness being shared, at least at times).

I don't think that money is such an insurmountable issue, or has ever really been (from your description). It seems that you've both always been able to take vacations, including your extended working vacation now. Perhaps, having both separate and joint bank accounts can solve a lot of financial tension. As can having things down in writing, even between you, so that you can easily agree on what you've each committed to. Certainly, you are to be commended for your excellent work ethic: whether in working 70-80 hours a week at Burger King, or volunteering to help take care of your Grandmother. That having been said, that sounds more like brutal slave hours to me if you have no life beyond working, sleeping, and eating. In fairness to all involved, if you included all that you e-mail to as part of JWD, and the others in your life, you do have people that you are talking to, just perhaps more over the internet than face-to-face. A more rural setting versus a more cosmopolitan one can certainly change how you interact with others in your life.

It is wonderful that you love your grandmother so dearly, and have learned things like knitting, crocheting, and baking from her. It sounds like you and your mother have done well with having a medic alert system installed, and helping your grandmother connect with others again so that there are not many days that she is alone now.

Those are some of the things that stubborn, hard-headed women can do for the ones they love. But how can they show love to themselves? One way is by not giving up. Not giving up on those like your grandmother, whom you love so dearly. And in not giving up on yourself or your dear Dave. After all, pobody's nerfect [you got it: nobody's perfect]. After all, you, Amanda, are (present tense) married to him, David.

Perhaps we can start with some of the basics that are often too easily overlooked. What do you really like about Dave? What makes him a keeper in your mind? What do you really like about yourself, that Dave may not know about you yet? What makes you a keeper?

Wishing you both continued success in your modern, real-life marriage. A 3-fold cord is not easily broken.

— Q. Bert, after all.

Junction-Guy

Lots of good wisdom there QBert, thanks for the advice. I dont think we have given up completely on each other yet. I knew that when we separated that it seemed like there was unfinished business. Amanda was still living in town for 8 months, but I made very little contact with her, I gave her the space to move on.

After she left, I was stuck here. I didnt get out or do anything, I just stayed at home, and posted alot on the net. Everyone was telling me to move on, but I knew I couldnt move on until I had an answer to a question that was bothering me.

Also when Amanda's parents moved here, our plans changed, and now we didnt have the same goals. I wanted so badly to move back to Kentucky and put my life back together. As long as Amanda's parents lived there, then Amanda would go. Once her parents moved here, then that changed it. I do not like living here, and havent since day one. When we left Ky in 1995 we both knew that life would never be the same for us again.

Well that's all I can think of now.

Q. Bert

Doing laundry and studying sound like 2 chores that you could be doing whether separated or together. Now, to find out what Amanda could be happily doing in the next room by herself, when she feels the need for companionable silence.

You're married and have become friends. That's better than a lot of couples manage to be able to do, whether separated or together. It is one way that you show that you each haven't given up on the other.

With relationships, there is always more story to be written, so there's always unfinished business, when we look at things in a balanced light. And there are different ways that we can move on in our personal lives, while keeping our friends and loved ones near, whether our arms are around each other or we've got some physical distance separating us from each other. It can all be a matter of perspective as to how close we feel to the other person.

Dave, you mention "everyone" telling you to move on (in your life), that you couldn't until you had an answer to a question that was bothering you. What question is it, and do you have an answer yet?

It seems that you each want to be supportive of the other, and help each other in practical ways. That's a shared goal that I see.

If you don't like living in Tennessee, what keeps you there?

— With empathy for each of you. I am Q. Bert, after all.

junctions-wife

It is not that I am on work vacation here. I am still working. I am a cashier for Wal-Mart and I am very happy there. I left Burger King several years ago when my mother was sick. Since then I have worked. Before I left TN I was working two jobs. What I was trying to get at When I was talking about that is I didn't get decorate my own home. I never made time for us or did I make time for me. And I know decorating a house is petty. And yes we have always had seperate bank accounts but bills were paid first. And we did take alot of good vacatons but that was when I was making good money. And I was getting paid for my vacations. And I know everyone has problems.

good night all

amanda

My plan--fully revealed

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