My plan--fully revealed (page 7)

Junction-Guy

You know you are welcome here, I would love to just be able to talk to you in person again.

Junction-Guy

I just wish you had'nt moved to Kansas so quickly, but I understand your grandma needed you all there.

I know. I may not stay here in Kansas though. I like it here and this is where my family is, But I have always been a loner. I may move back to TN on my own. I have never really been on my own. When we got married I was 18 and still living with parents, and now that I 31 I am living with parents and my grandmother. well gotta go and get ready for work. Thanks for the offer.

Junction-Guy

You're welcome, have fun at work.

Q. Bert

bttt

Q. Bert

I know. I may not stay here in Kansas though. I like it here and this is where my family is, But I have always been a loner. I may move back to TN on my own. I have never really been on my own. When we got married I was 18 and still living with parents, and now that I 31 I am living with parents and my grandmother. well gotta go and get ready for work. Thanks for the offer.

One key question to each of you, as individuals in a couple/partnership/friendship: If you were to both be under the same roof these days, what do you think it would be like... (a) as a host?, (b) as a guest?, and (c) as a long-term companion once again?. Are they 2 different answers? Are there any red flags still outstanding? Love is not blind, but kind. Is there some issue that makes you uncomfortable, being with your mate, that you feel you two can't directly address? Are there any lingering tendencies toward aggression, bitterness, or other abuse that you see... (a) in yourself?, (b) in your mate? Such abuse be an issue, how would/could you deal with it and still show respect for both you and your friend/partner? Wishing you both success. — I am Q. Bert, after all.

junctions-wife

Q bert you bring up a very good question and I will give you my answer. The last two years of our marriage I felt like we were roommates not husband and wife. Yes we went on vacation together and slept in the same bed for the most part. There never was any abuse on either side maybe some disagreements but never any abuse. It wasn't until Dave starting taking seperate vacations from me did I feel less than a wife.

So, yes there is still love, friendship, and happiness. But I knowin my heart that this was the best thing to do for the time being. If something comes out of this, then so be it.

I would more than likely feel like a guest in my own home. But I always did feel that way anyway. I can honestly say this I wasn't your typical wife. I was working 70-80 hours a week when I worked for Burger King, So Dave decorated the apartment. It had to be his showplace. I was just there to cook when we didn't go out to eat. But I will leave this for tonight.

Amanda

outoftheorg?

Good work Q Bert.

Keep on with the questions.

It helps others to state their feelings in a safe place, their fears and doubts, away from the settings they occured in. Out of the house, separated and free to think before they speak. Free to answer the questions they fear to ask or hear when together.

Outoftheorg

asleif_dufansdottir

Honestly, I think your best bet would be some sort of couples counseling (yes, I am aware you're in different states...I think you can do couples counseling singly...if that makes sense) before you tell any family anything or try to do that "repair" stuff (Which, I'm sorry to say, I think is crap).

If you can work out your issues with your childhood, and your relationship can be repaired, nothing else matters. I mean, you keep saying you don't actually want to pursue sexual relationships with men...or even other women...so as long as you two have the tools to deal your attraction to other men (assuming it ends up continuing and mattering) in your relationship, what difference does it make? As long as you're not acting on it or spending hours a day looking at hot gay porn, so what?

I doubt that anybody male or female, straight, gay or bi, has ever been in a relationship where they were not the least bit attracted to another person (same sex or opposite sex). If you don't act on it, what difference does it make? I mean, I think lots of men are hot, but I'm not having sex with anyone but my husband. Nor do I really care to.

Plus, I think you really need to have a counselor of some kind help you figure out if you're feeling a real *sexual* attraction (the hormonal urge to screw somebody's brains out) to other men, or you just have the equivalent of a "guy crush" (like him, admire him, wanna be like him, want him to like you, want his life). Now *that* type of thing I can really see your upbringing affecting.

From some of the things you've said about your family and background, I'm wondering exactly how sexual your feelings are. People have different sex drives...some people just aren't terribly horney alot, some are constantly horney. If you don't have a very high sex drive (and I don't know you so I don't know) and you've had some issues with your upbringing, and you were raised to believe that real guys were horndogs and lusted after women constantly, and to believe that being homosexual was the worst thing a *man* could be...If indeed you had a more moderate sex drive and maybe some feelings of bisexuality, I can see that being misinterpreted.

I can also see it being possible that no matter what your sex drive, being raised homophobic might make you think, "Oh my gosh, I have the teeniest inkling of attraction to men - I must be totally gay!" But you said yourself you don't fit in. The people who *do* fit in, seem to know from childhood that they do.

This could all be way off, the only reason I'm saying it is to show you that somebody who doesn't know you, can read thru this thread and come up with some possible reasons/solutions that are different than the ones that have occurred to you.

And, I just have to say, because this is my bias...*please* be careful about picking a counselor/psychiatrist/psychologist based *only* on their religious orientation!!! As screwed up as the JWs are, there are some other conservative Christians who are equally screwed up. Just because your faith is important to you does NOT mean it has to be important to your counselor, or that your counselor has to have the exact same belief you do. The important thing is that they are a *good counselor*...a good counselor can help you integrate your faith with your life...and it sounds like you need a trained, skilled helper to get thru these issues. Too many "Christian _____s" (shrinks, lawyers, doctors, whatever) - professionals who consider their religion to be the most important facet of their profession - count on people for picking them for religious reasons, not because they're good at their job. You need *unbiased* advice...somebody that will tell you the truth even if it doesn't go along with their idea of religion (ie-about the bisexuality, gayness, whatever).

And I think I should shut up now...

Q. Bert

Q. Bert, you bring up a very good question and I will give you my answer. The last two years of our marriage I felt like we were roommates not husband and wife. Yes we went on vacation together and slept in the same bed for the most part. There never was any abuse on either side maybe some disagreements but never any abuse. It wasn't until Dave starting taking separate vacations from me did I feel less than a wife.

Thanks, Amanda, for getting this "on the table" for the both of you to look at together. In order for you to feel like you are husband and wife, instead of roommates, or on an extended vacation away from him, what parts of the relationship are different? what parts would still be the same?

So, yes there is still love, friendship, and happiness. But I know in my heart that this was the best thing to do for the time being. If something comes out of this, then so be it.

What has been helpful for you about your time in Kansas? How has your time in Kansas changed your relationship with Dave?

I would more than likely feel like a guest in my own home. But I always did feel that way anyway. I can honestly say this I wasn't your typical wife. I was working 70-80 hours a week when I worked for Burger King, So Dave decorated the apartment. It had to be his showplace. I was just there to cook when we didn't go out to eat. But I will leave this for tonight.

What do you like to do when you are together with him? Since you have sometimes decribed yourself as a loner, what activities can you each do by yourself, while he's still in the next room?

— Wishing you both continued success,

Q. Bert, after all.

My plan--fully revealed

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