My father just beat my brother-

by ashitaka 108 Replies latest jw friends

Kismet

wow. This subjct is overwhelming to say the least. As much as many of us are enraged and concerned but no-one knows this particular instance better than Ashi and it appears he is taking active steps to improve the situation.
Ashi, many here have given you excellent suggestions but ultimately you and your family have to decide how to handle this in the best way. Please be assured you have support here for your decisions.
(Added in edit) Should you want someone (a non-involved third party) to make the initial report to the authorities please feel free to contact me. ( [email protected] ) I have done this before for people to cut back on retaliatory action on immediate family members by the abuser)
How is the 14 year old boy doing? What are his feelings and thoughts? I am glad to hear you have opened your home before but he may feel guilty about deserting his mother (i.e. - running away) and may need a lot more encouragement to do so to help him appreciate that such an step would not be cowardly.
14 year old boys have weird perceptions of valor at times.
The man (I hesitate to use the term father as it would denigrate the many excellent 'real dads' out there) defintiely needs to be called for his actions. Please DO NOT take revenge matters into your own hands. This will only give him ammunition to hurt you and your family more. Reporting is a must tho but even before such happens get the boy out of that situation.
Who knows what is going through your brother's mind right now? Running away? Thoughts of murderous revenge? suicide? Acceptance that his role in life is to be a punching bag? Getting engrained that beating people, i.e. his future wife and kids, is okay?
Who knows the thoughts that go through the mind of a 14 year old boy who has been physically abused. He needs your love but more than anything right now he needs your protection, then your love. Don't force him to do it himself or worse succumb to the mental conditioning that has already been going on for 14 years.
Just my non-professional two cents
Kismet
Tina

Hi again Wendy,
WHile I don't doubt your experiences, mine are different here.
In my city,would he be arrested tonight? YES.
Worrying about the testifying is really not the point here.
Under the IDVA(Illinois Domestic Violence Act,1982)the police are mandated to arrest the man.Immediately.
They have a uniform intervention strategy with community based orgs. Both public and private.Emergency shelters for them.
This means,they are mandated to take the women and children for med care. And then on to a place of safety,or find such transportation for them. They are able to stay here while the services get going. They are trained to let the woman know she in no way has to stick around.
There is another plan implemented here called secondary housing. Individual apts. that include a structured enviornment of counseling and other supportive services. This for up to 2 yrs.
These shelters do not require an OOP or PR.
Is the liklihood of the child being removed for personal safety slim. NOPE. Happens evryday here till the situation is sorted out.
There are emergency foster care programs,or sometimes relatives.
I've worked as a prevention specialist. And that's what this is all about. Preventing more violence and deaths.
The womans issues ,yes needed. But she won't see the use for them w/o intervention.And her issue isn't primary at this juncture,the childs are.
Again,whatever the scenario,primary issue is the childs safety. Tina
Vive Bene
Spesso L'amore
Di Risata Molto!!!
mommy

Hey all,
I just wanted to add one more thing. I have an awful time expressing myself into words, I am much better one on one, without this silly keyboard in the way. If I in anyway offended anyone I am sorry. Plus I kept running back and forth to the PC all night playing catch up on this, so my thoughts may have been scattered. My only concern is for all the members of the family to get help.
I just wanted to express that if we make demanding statements, that may make Ashi feel pressured as well. Many here have said, call now, do it now, etc. I wanted to give him the option of not doing that, it is not the only answer. He will not be thought less of if he decides not to take action tonight by involving the police.
I can understand why so many are upset, this experience has touched many of us personally. And we cannot be there to physically help, we are here to offer our support and sometimes advice on a situatuion.
((((ashi)))) Please let us know how it goes. I for one have been sending you good vibes all night. Call collect if you need too, I would love to chat.
wendy
When I leave, you will know I have been here
mommy

Tina,
You were posting when I was posting so I thought I would respond to you. You live in Chicago, and I worked in North Carolina, perhaps the laws are different in your area. In NC if the wife did not stand up for her son the husband stayed home. If he was arrested, he was out in 24 hours or less. We also had crisis intervention with emergency housing, but I am afraid without the mother and son complaining they never would have made it there. Emergency foster care...yep we had that too. But normally the kids ended up back in the home within 5 days. A woman who is taken out of the home, offered a warm bed in a house filled with 20-30 other woman and children, tends to forget how bad the situation at home was. Unless there was severe beatings, and she had reached her end, and ready to move on. This is reality.
I am not demeaning this act. I am just offering another outlook on the situation. If Ashi is able to show his brother, that he survived, and life can be normal, that will give him hope that he can get out of it. And by all means, I agree that intervention is needed, and swiftly.
wendy
When I leave, you will know I have been here
avengers

This is what the "Truth" does to people. Long live the Watchtower!!
teejay

Lots of people who have never set foot in a Kingdom Hall beat their kids. The Watchtower must be held responsible for many things, but blaming this sort of evil on the Watchtower isn't fair.
25ashitaka25

Ok folks, here goes.
I just spoke to my wife. She spoke to someone at social services for New Jersey. My brother WOULD be in a foster home. I talked to my brother and he doesn't feel threatened, though he does wish my father would go away.
I have everyone against my opinion that something should be done. Will I go against everyone, including the person who was abused?
Do I have the right to make a decision for someone who I don't live with anymore? He is almost 15, and he said the next time he feels threatened, that he'll just stay with us for awhile.
I am completly torn on this. I had to deal with this, not just one time, but every day. I was looking for an apartment the day I turned 16. I was thrown down wooden stairs, punched, and when I was too old to hit, swung around by my arms and thrown into things.
Frankly, my other brothers and sisters have had it easy. My father kicks down doors, but has never hit my mother. His emotional abuse is incredibly hurtful, though.
I am physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially stronger than the both of my parents. But, I couldn't go against the wishes of the people I am trying to help. That's self-defeating.
There are no self-emancipation laws in NJ. Only foster care, and DYFS in Jersey is a touchy thing....my mother would be taken away from the only thing she has in the world...she is no longer a JW.
Another thing is that my mother needs his paycheck to make ends meet. She is the hardest working mother I know, but her mother died three months ago, and her father will die in a few weeks. She will lose her mind if I act on this now.
what the f**k am I supposed to do? There are no defining lines, here. This is the first time my father has punched my brother, but to me, it happened many, many times. My father is physically violent, or physically threatening most of the time though.
I do believe he has a mental condition. I don't give a damn whether he gets helpor not. I want him to perish with a large inheritance to go tomy mother.
But, that won't happen.
I CANNOT SUPPORT MY FAMILY BY MYSELF, AND CANNOT OVERTLY OVERSTEP THE WISHES OF ALL OF THEM.
What the f**k am I supposed to do?
ashi
25ashitaka25

Teejay,
I can honestly say that my father wouldn't be as abusive if he didn't have scriptures to 'back him up'. Let's not forget the elders who told my family we were the cause of all the problem in my family. The JW's empower people by allowing people to be abusers.
If your son beat another child senseless, while you watched and said, "Go on son, he deserves it.", wouldn't you be as guilty as the child?
ashi
Prisca

((((((((ashi)))))))))
Hang in there bud. It seems to me your family needs all the support it can get. Are there community charities such as Salvation Army and other groups that can offer your mother and siblings counselling and support? I can understand your mother being under extreme stress due to the situations with her parents, so she may not be able to handle the additional stress of her husband being charged, or your brother being sent to a foster home. However, she needs emotional and practical help.
Your brother also needs help. Even if this is the first time he has been physically assulted, he no doubt has had the same emotional and verbal abuse that you endured.
NO ONE HAS TO PUT UP WITH ABUSE I am shocked that your mother has put up with your father for so long, but sometimes women feel they have no other choice but to endure it. "He doesn't really mean it..." - yeah, right.
Ashi, the support you give to your brother will be something he will remember for many years to come, and will strengthen the bond between you. I was in a similar situation situation when I was 18, and my sister was there for me. Your brother is lucky to have a loving brother like you.
P.S. My father twisted the scriptures to back up himself and his actions, even when the elders tried to reason with him. It's wrong, and quite likely your father will never be swayed away from his corrupt outlook. But, do anything you can to help your other family members!
25ashitaka25

Pris,
thanks for the post. I do have to say again that my mother fights his abuse vehemently, she at times has tackled him for my sake. She's strong as a bull, and won't take shit from anyone, but my father still is abusive. Imagine an abusive whiner. That's him. Whines, abuse, whines, abuse.
She never defends him, and calls him selfish and an asshole, but told my wife to not say anything to me, and that my father truly does 'love' us, but he's just a selfish, mentally challenged person.
I don't buy that.
I've encouraged her to divorce, separate, anything that would make sure she would have a supplementary income to her own, because she wouldn't have enough to live. I have no idea what to do. My brother even wants me just to forget it.
My wife and I just went through the same thing with her little brother. He came to us at 16, he just turned 18, and is ok now, because we took him in, and told his parents that he could stay as long as they were going to be abusive to him. He went home several months ago, as an adult, and things have been exponentially better for him. He smiles now, laughs with ease, and fears nothing, just like my wife and I.
But, my family is afraid of everything, financial being the most important in their mind-they've never had much money, and they're afraid of being on the street.
My sister is getting married and my parents are paying for it. I know she is thinking selfishly and doesn't want me to make an issue of it for her own sake.
My baby sister has epilepsy, and I think she would go insane if she was without my mother for even one night, if child services came. My mother would never forgive me if I went against her wishes-she very stubborn that way.
And my father...that sonofabitch would either become a pious piece of shit or a horrible monster-either option leaves little hope for the rest of my families' future.
But, I am helpless if they don't help themselves. You can throw a rope to someone, but if they don't climb it.....
ashi

My father just beat my brother-

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