spilled the beans (page 12)

thecrushed

well she makes more money than i at the moment but i just landed a decisive jobfor twice the pay of my current job with room for major advancement.

baltar447

You gotta get some financial independance and an attorney.

00DAD

thecrushed: i recieved an email from my wife demanding that i cut off my association with my old friend who was trying to coach me through this. ... my wife has become the thought police through and through ... i got ths email telling me its either cease and desist or else lose her and be kicked out of my own home

It sounds like she is acting out in desperation. She actually can not "kick you" out of your own home unless she gets a restraining order. She is just threatening you as she's been taught by the WTBTS.

I recommend you maintain transparency with her about who you are talking/emailing/texting. But absolutely refuse to talk to the elders. It is quite simply none of their business.

This is a major, repeat MAJOR, problem with WT rules and practices. They inappropriately try to recreate relationship boundaries and most of us willingly go along with them. They overstep boundaries where they don't belong (between family members) and create artificial boundaries where none should exist (between family members). You need to re-establish appropriate boundaries which include you and your wife and no one else without your permission. Your wife will be confused by this, but remind her of the headship principle. This is a good time to use it to your advantage.

If your wife needs reassurance you're not having an affair you may want to SHOW HER your text messages and emails, but DO NOT LET HER COPY THEM. She will run to the elders then.

Reassure her of your love for her. Be resolute in your courage to use your powers of reason and logic.

As for your worldly friends, who knows if they would ever risk their neck to save you. Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't. But I can absolutely positively promise you that if the elders brand you an apostate and you are disfellowshipped then every JW friend and family member you have (except possibly) your wife will not even talk to you let alone do anything to help you.

Have you and non-JW family friends you can turn to? Any of us on the board geographically nearby that might be able to help?

Hang in there, you can do this!

00DAD

ziddina

Man, I am so sorry to hear about this...

Again, I would suggest playing the "scriptural headship" card, persistently.

Also, continue with your reading of the bible. If you can get her more involved with those bible-reading sessions, it might help to wake her up, too...

I hope that your new job works out, giving you a solid financial base to stand upon.

thecrushed

A friend at work has already offered me his spare room in his apt. He is non religious and has listened to my rants all this time. GO FIGURE! I may be damning myself by saying this because I know the WT moles are watching us but I reside in the Atlanta GA area. As for using the headship I need to contimplate that strategy. I'm going to do my damndest to keep a regular study of the bible up at all costs but that is always up to her willingness to cooperate.

I reminded her that I am not giving her a hard time about spying on me because I love her just that much. When she lashes out I lovingly gaze into her eyes with loving kindness and intimently kiss her on the forehead as she pretends to be asleep sometimes. I wait on her hand and foot when she is feeling exhausted. I'm doing my best to reflect how Jesus would act in this situation. I seriously hope it helps.

ziddina

She would be very foolish indeed to destroy your marriage.

Unfortunately, the cult-controlled personality might not be able to see that.

It is good that you have a friend at work who could help you if you really needed it - though your presence and assistance with the rent would no doubt help him a bit, too...

Captain Obvious

after i got ths email telling me its either cease and desist or else lose her and be kicked out of my own home i came home and found her once again zonked out on muscle relaxers.

Am I the only one who got a big red flag here? It has been talked about a bit on this thread before, but this is dangerous. There is no sense in either of you getting hurt physically over this if she were to take it too far one night.

I have seen lots of Anondude2's videos, he knows his stuff! has done his research. Angry though... rightfully so.

As tough as it sounds, you might need to just sit her down and talk! you guys seem to say the really important things by email or text... whats wrong with words? You seem to be able to keep calm, it might help? With good timing, of course. It is happening in my house, too... but a lot calmer. There is an elephant in the room sometimes, but when the time is right, we get to talk about things. It seems there will only be so many opportunities to do this.

Does she understand that if your marriage falls apart over this, it is solely because of her doing? In her mind it may be the opposite. Your wife, like mine, may be simply unable to understand that it just MIGHT not be the truth. more study and meetings can only lead to the truth, right? what does she think now that you are doing more bible study but even more convinced that it is far from the truth? I'm very interested to see how the next week or two goes.

ziddina

Whoops, Captain Obvious' post just stimulated another thought....

Your wife's been the primary bread-winner for a while. She's been snooping through YOUR things, acting like the 'authority' figure - the "parent" - the PERSON IN A POSITION OF HEADSHIP....

Right???

As long as she keeps you in some sort of "subservient" position, she gets to hang onto the reins of power - and as most people can attest, power is seductive... Addictive...

She may not be doing it consciously, but her behavior seems aimed at keeping you off-balance. If she suceeds in causing you to lose your new position, then SHE will continue to have the dominant position in the household.

Yet another reason for you to re-assert your biblically-supported position of headship. Do it gently, but do it FIRMLY.

She's seriously been acting like the head of the household - it is high time that she stepped back and remembered her place - that is, if she REALLY wants to act "Christian" - i.e., like a devout Jehovah's Witness woman.

I'm very suspicious of her actions - if I were in your shoes, I'd 'threaten' her power with SUBTLE actions - nothing overt, as I've stated before.

You've actually started out by placing your electronic devices beyond her ability to snoop - or did I misunderstand? Did she DEMAND access to all your activity, based on her payment of the bills?

If so, that is yet again more evidence that she wants to continue to usurp YOUR HEADSHIP.

Power can be addictive, especially for someone who's been powerless all of her life - first powerless against her mother, then powerless against the male-dominated Watchtower Society's system.

As long as you remain the "bad" one, she can safely continue to take your 'power' away - and with the congregation/elders' blessings, too...

What a yukky situation.

WinstonSmith

@thecrushed: Just checking in mate, what's the latest? How are things going?

GeneM

Yeah man I've just read all this too and want an update. I've been through this myself, granted I hated my now ex wife.

Others have said this but it bares repeating. You. Hold. All. The. Cards. The society and bible gives you all authority over the house in her eyes. She can't leave. As long as you are not threatening or abusing her. She has no choice but to stay. I would avoid all conversations about the society lest she use the 'abusing me spiritually' loophole.

Dodge the elders at all costs. Cover your damn tracts better. Be a good husband. Use good passwords. Assert yourself as the head.

If all else fails... Make peace with the fact that this may be a dealbreaker. They're are other women that would love to love you for the man you are. I'm living proof. I'm in the best relationship of my life and she's better than I thought existed.

spilled the beans

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