by thecrushed 147 Replies latest members private
thecrushed sorry that you have to go through this. I was in a similar situation with my wife a few years ago. You have gotten some great advice already but I say now would be a good time to slow this thing down. You gave your wife alot to think about all at once. She is acting out of fear. It took a few years for me to get my wife out of this cult. Patience is the most important thing.
Wishing you the best
MLD
Tell them you're depressed or whatever, just DO NOT talk to the elders, whatever you do to avoid it just stay the f*ck away from them.
Baltar what do I do if they corner me at the hall or come to my house? I'm so worried right now I can't even concentrate on my work.
Well you can't avoid them at the hall! LOL.
Quit the meetings. If they call, let it go to voice mail. Then delete the message without even listening.
If they come to the house, you can either hide, or say "I'm busy right now, (heading out, working on a project, just have something ready in mind at all times) you should have called first!" Be firm, but polite. Rememer, its your f****** house, not theirs!
Stop giving them authority in each and every aspect of your life.
Although I'm not the best one to give advice, having only been a study, I would avoid allowing a conversation to get started with them. If they start probing, I would say as little as possible and kindly let them know that I am not going to discuss my private affairs at this time. It's important to establish boundaries and not let others cross them without your permission.
thecrushed,
(please remember that you are not alone - others have been through this as well; some are still going through it right now alongside you)
I understand a lot of how you feel. I am a born in and married a very zealous woman. I guess my only advice would be to just keep telling her how much you love her and that whether or not you're a witness that won't change. Your love for her isn't based on her religious beliefs.
Also, I would recommend not talking to the elders or other family members about your thoughts regarding the Witnesses/truth. Just say you are stressed and not yourself and that you don't want to talk about it. Remember, not too many people like confrontation so once you give your 'I don't want to talk about it' a few times they will hopefully leave you alone for awhile.
If your wife or MIL has totally spilled the beans the elders will try to get to the bottom of it. Not much you can do to avoid an outcome of their choosing. You need to decide if you will lie to avoide DFing or not.
Good luck. Please don't lose hope over this. Believe me I know living each second, minute and hour can be stressful with this stuff going on. Never knowing who will say what, or what the wife will do or say next. Just vent on the board and do your best to stay healthy through this situation.
thecrushed: Baltar what do I do if they corner me at the hall or come to my house? I'm so worried right now I can't even concentrate on my work.
That just proves how emotionally vulnerable and weak you are.
In their minds they might even actually believe that they are helping you, but (and this is a big BUT) since you have discovered TTATT anything you say can and will be used against you.
If they corner you (such a loving, kind and gentle phrases) then politely thank them for their interest and firmly tell them you just need some time.
No matter what they say, just refuse to discuss anything with them. You can say "I'm depressed, but dealing with it."
If they press for details, "It's personal and I'd rather NOT talk about it."
Remember, you're being polite but firm.
Let your Yes mean Yes and your No mean No.
Do NOT discuss doctrines, beliefs, your questions or doubts. Just don't do it.
If they still press you after this you can firmly say, "Look, I've thanked you for your concern, but clearly told you that this is a personal problem. You need to respect that."
End the conversation. You do not owe them an explanation. Repeat, YOU DO NOT OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION.
One more time for emphasis: YOU DO NOT OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION!
Hang in there. It gets better.
00DAD
What MyLastDays said... patience. Slow and easy, good man. Don't let the frustration and helplessness make you hasty. Looking back, I know that's easier said than done.
After I let the cat out of the bag to my wife, things seemed grim. I never expected her to wake up. Assumed I'd always be the inactive mate who occasionally made a Sunday meeting. Like you, I spilled the beans with my wife a little too quickly. I naively thought she'd see what I saw. Nope. We settled into a cycle of monthly arguments. Sometimes she would be distant, other times close. Of course, I didn't help things by growing a beard. I could've compromised there and made it easier on both of us.
Fortunately, she woke up to reality and stood up to her JW family, but it took about four years. Just know that some of what you write sounds like a page from my own life. You guys can survive this if she loves you as much as you love her and your goal is to stick it out and make your exodus together. Until then, you may want to think of her as someone whose capacity for rational thinking was undermined before it had a chance to mature. You undoubtedly don't want to become resentful.
My son who is still in just turned 18. He's having a hard time with his mother's controlling ways and can't wait to move out. (They were both Born-in; I left 3 years ago.)
The other day I mentioned to my son that he needs to take into consideration that his mother is only DOING WHAT and BEING WHO she has been taught to be.
It's strange how he can easily see how damaging his mother's control-freakery is to him, but he doesn't get that it all comes from the WTBTS.
I'm trying to remain optimistic.
She just sent me a long txt saying that she found out about the books I ordered and that I've been poking around the internet at apostate material. She has drawn her line in the sand. THIS is it and I'm screwed because I can't do what she wants and come back to Jehovah.
