spilled the beans (page 4)

00DAD

thecrushed, you're absolutely right, you do need help, but NOT from the elders.

When I was in a similar situation to you I went to the elders for help. That was the biggest mistake I've made in my life in the past 10 years.

Do NOT go to the elders. No matter what your wife says, absolutely, positively, no doubt about it, don't gotta' think twice DO NOT TALK TO THE ELDERS ABOUT THIS!

If they corner you and ask, "My marriage problems are my problem. We got this. Thank you for your concern. Bye!"

You need to be strong. You can do this.

Don't tell her anything. If she has a go at you, you can ask a question designed for her to demonstrate to herself that she is out of order, but don't let her draw you into telling her 'apostate' stuff. You must control the topic

Don't express an opinion. Draw opinions out of her. Use her own knowledge, words, professed scruples and material that she and/or the WT approves of to make your points. Make her do any reading & explaining.... you shut up.

Act offended by any attempt to illegitimately trash your character, or to deny or decieve you as to WT rules, doctrines, history, etc.. Point the offensive behaviour out by questioning, drawing parallells to similar behaviours she, or the WT, has bashed other churches for.

Slowly

Gently

I have an uneasy truce with my wife and family. If they don't bring up their religion, they won't have to answer questions they don't like to think about.

thecrushed

Billy I actually encouraged her to study the bible very hard and to really search deeply with an open mind but I think the OPEN MIND triggered her cult alarms. I also messed up and told her that Evolution is a fact but doesn't conflict with the belief in God at all. My therapist is a christian and he also acknowledges that evolution theory is an established fact and it doesnt shake his faith whatsoever.

jgnat

Boy oh boy the timing is all wrong with this. Having he MIL around to reinforce the WT speak is very, very bad.

Perhaps suggest to postpone any heart-to-heart until MIL is gone. Give it a week or so.

What kind of outside activities helps your wife relax and be herself? I think I read a bit about helping out at the local animal shelter. Does she have a soft spot for animals? Do you have a pet at home?

Might it be time to bring home a shelter puppy or kitten?

thecrushed

jgnat good suggestions! We have 5 cats actually and that keeps us both comforted a lot of the time. What got me into this mess was suggesting that we volunteer at a shelter or humane society. She questioned my motives and demanded the real reason why I wanted her to do this sense we both know we hadn't been out in service for a few months. She then accused me of trying to get rid of her so I could sleep with some other women she imagined I was cheating on her with. She suspected this because I've been so distant with all of the stuff that was going through my head recently. I was forced to tell her the real reason and so I "SPILLED THE BEANS" The attitude of all JW's is the same in regards to donating time. If you go out in service a little then we should be doing more. If we go out in service a lot we don't have time for other honorable charities anyway.

flipper

THE CRUSHED- So sorry you are going through this enormous stress as you so accurately stated " brought on by the WT society ". You've had GREAT suggestions so far on both pages , especially by OODAD, Black Sheep, JGNAT , and Billy the EX-bethelite on this page.

I will second some of their opinions . DO NOT, I repeat, do NOT go to the elders to talk about this as they will only use what you know to separate and divide you from your JW wife. Your wife sounds as if she is HEAVILY mind controlled through fear and guilt instilled by the WT society. The suggestion to nOT bring things up until the mother in law is gone is an excellent suggestion too. What was the old Beatles song suggestion " mother superior jumped the gun " ? That's what's happening here. Your JW mother in law is trying to allegedly " comfort " your wife - but doing it in a way to reinforce your JW wife's allegaince and devotion to the JW cult, not you. Probably putting some pretty screwy ideas into her head for sure.

As Black Sheep said, you need to go slow. Don't bombard her with too much information or at this point ANY information as it will trigger her cult protection mode. The only reason your wife is scared $hitless is because she's been conditioned to be scared Shitless by the false ideas of the WT society of how " scary " independent thinking is. Her violent physical reactions, crying, throwing up - are an indication of how deeply she is indoctrinated with this muck.

As JGNAT stated, try to get her involved with ANY ACTIVITIES that don't have ANYTHING to do with the JW organization or WT society and avoid talking about the JW topics at all right now. What hobbies does she enjoy outside of the Witnesses ? Walking ? Running ? Shopping ? Go shopping with her. Antiquing ? Go to a movie, thrift stores, play tennis, anything to keep her mind off of JW topics. Your goal should be to access her authentic personality, not her cult personality. Understand this : SHE is the one with the mental condition right now, not you. YOU are thinking clearly, she is not. I highly recommend reading Steve Hassan's 2 books on mind control and how cults like the JW's, Scientologists, and Mormon's use insidious and tricky methods to control and manipulate your wife's personality. Information is power and if you understand WHAT makes your wife this way, it will slow you down and realize your reaching her isn't going to be a quick operation. It will take time and patience. Hassan's books are titled, " Combatting Cult Mind Control " & " Releasing the Bonds- Empowering People to Think for Themselves ". These books were a lifesaver for me when I stopped attending 8 years ago. Please read them. You will then understand the hows and whys of what is happening to you right now. Hang in there, remember we are here for you too. Many of us have been through this and are glad to assist you. Private mail me or anybody here if you'd like to talk on the phone, O.K. ? Peace out, Mr. Flipper

jgnat

If you have three cats at home, have some cat discussions. Have some kitty cuddle times; shop for some special treats and toys from your local pet superstore. When your wife is most naturally herself, listen to her. Reaching out to that authentic personality is your best hope of getting her to relax with your latest revelation.

Bobbi

Nothing will work until the mother in law leaves....only then will you get your wife back. My advice, play along until the witch witch of the witnesses leaves and then ease your wife back into doing fun things you both like to do.

It sounds to me like there is more of a monster in law problem than witness problem.

You really need to read Toxic Parents....

Bobbi

thecrushed

well my wife has started to read the Draw close to Jehovah book at her mothers behest and after reading it last night she became very very distant to me. She was visably upset this morning and cold to me last nite after putting the book down. this morning my dad calls me saying the "FRIENDS" are worried about me and he wants to talk to me alone. HERE we go and I'm not prepared yet. Either my MIL said something or my wife did tuesday at the meeting. Its the JW MAFIA!!!

spilled the beans

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