HI Matty
You wrote: "If I contradict myself in my posts sometimes, then sorry - that’s me I'm afraid - I'm still on the fence believe it or not"
Please don't worry about that - I understand.
"there are lots of times when I still think it’s the truth, and that scares me more than anything!"
Yeah, and that awful feeling of "what if I am wrong *this* time?" - that is scary, because we can lose all confidence in our own ability to think about these things rationally. But then, did we ever really learn how to think rationally while a JW? No. We learned to think about everything in the light of the WT. I know it took me years to learn that my thoughts were just as valid and ok, I may get it wrong again, but at least I got it wrong with the freedom to think for myself, and the freedom to get up and try again. I am no longer anyone's puppet.
"All I know is that whereas I have a kind of "comfortable" life now, the pain I have inside won't go away as long as I stay like this."
Right - you have to, some time, go one way or the other, but only when you are ready. I felt like that. It was so tearing me apart because on the one hand, I love my family, and I didn't want to lose them, but on the other hand, I had to be honest with myself and realise that no more could I pretend, or go round the doors day after day asking people to believe in something I now believed was a lie. My choice meant I lost my family, but I gained personal freedom and who knows but one day my family will be able to work it out also? I sincerely hope so.
"I know what is to blame for my feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy and I feel really angry about it."
Of course. As you have a right to. You know, Matty, when I left the Organisation, I was 17 years old and I couldn't even work out what to wear every day without someone to guide me - such was the loss of my self-confidence in making simple everyday decisions. I was scared to read a book not written by the WTS, or watch a movie without asking someone if they thought it was "safe"! You get the picture, I am sure. We should have learned that kind of judgement while we were growing up - as most kids do, but we didn't get the chance. What we were left with was lack of esteem, an inability to think for ourselves, and a fear of the unknown.
You do OK, friend. I have read some of your posts on this forum and you are "OK"!
searcher :-)