Just a few more (page 7)

BugEye

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here either."

Picture yourself near stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The cool water is fresh and clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.
There now, feeling better?

BugEye

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on.

"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

BugEye

---Answering Machine Themes ---

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!

BugEye

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

BugEye

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

BugEye

This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message.

BugEye

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

(or)

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

(or)

Hi, this is the toaster. The answering machine just eloped with the refrigerator, so I'm the only appliance left to take messages. I'm kinda new at this whole thing, but if you'll leave your name, number, and a brief message, I think I can handle whatever pops up.

BugEye

(Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.

BugEye

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after thebeep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Just a few more

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