What "CAUSES" a molested child to hurt? (Warning: Possible Triggers)

by gumby 195 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  Lady Lee

  Gumby the ways people protect this part of them as as varied as people are. I don't think anyone really understands the mental gymnastics that a child goes through to do this.

  And the outward behaviors are just as varied

  Some children withdraw. I became an invisible child - except when another person needed help (as you see some of that is still in operation)

  Some act out socially getting into trouble with the law in an attemmtp to call attention to their problems indirectly and some to the point where they are acting out their abuse on other children.

  Some become perfectionists/overachievers trying to control everything because they can't control the one thing they really need to control. Others learn to fail at everything in a vain attempt to prove they deserved the abuse

  Some hurt themselves either through self-injury or through risk taking behaviors (much of the addictive behaviors come from this)

  Some learn to use their sexuality to try to get their needs met and others become asexual

  Some become care-givers (wide range here) in an attempt to protect others in a way they were never protected

  Some children may revert to younger behaviors (sucking thumb, bed-wetting, clinging)

  Oh and Some join cults
• 

  xenawarrior

  Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I feel like I am posting in "short hand" and using metaphors and words that mean something to me, but may not to others.

  YES !!!! And you have no idea how much !! All of you !!

  This is by far one of the best threads I've seen on this board.

  I lived with someone who went through this and he's one who is forever lost. I could tell what the problem was and one day I asked him and he stopped short. "How do you know that?!!! Not even my brother knows about that!!!" He was upset and I'm certain feeling very scared and vulnerable because he had built up so many defense mechanisms along the way to keep people out and like Nina- I wouldn't give up. Unfortunately, from there he went into a major tailspin and I could no longer reach him. Although part of him knew he was safe with me, his abandonment issues were too strong so he went into the depths of hiding. He was convinced that I wouldn't stay so he pushed me away in the way that he'd learned all of his life. And that even took a while to happen - I kept telling him I'm not going anywhere. He'd just push harder until I had no choice unless I would deal with violence and I couldn't. So he went back into hiding and I know that is where he'll stay until he dies. It's still very sad to me- that someone took his core being from him when he was so young and he was never able to get it back.

  Edited to add: and some develop personality disorders
• 

  cruzanheart

  (((((XW & friend)))))

  Nina
• 

  Lady Lee

  (((XW))) it takes tremendous energy to hang in there with a person who has been so hurt and is so scared. And yes some will resort to violence to protect themselves from what they percieve as more danger. it really is so sad because if they could deal with it they are such awesome people - as we see here with some of the survivors who have done the work
• 

  Big Tex

  that is where he'll stay until he dies.

  No, I'm sorry XW, but I respectfully disagree. It is his choice. Realize it was his fear that kept him from believing in you and what you had to offer. I grant you that his past abuse made it difficult, very difficult, for him to trust and to believe, but still the choice was there. I faced the same choice. And in all candor it was terrifying. How many times I had been betrayed, and here was Nina holding out that same hand.

  It is no different with your previous partner XW. Believe me when I say, at some point, he faced the same choice. And his fear was too great. Realize that at the end of the day, our lives are what we make them. Yes some of us have a harder time, and fewer choices, but still we are the ones in charge. WE are the ones who can choose. Some of us choose to embrace light and life and will do anything to climb up out of the sewer. Others cannot, or will not. I say that, not in any way sitting in judgment, but in recognition of the belief that we are all in control of our lives. I truly believe our life is the sum total of our decisions.

  BTW, I'm glad to see you around here XW. You have a lot to offer, and anyone who says otherwise is a stupid head.
• 

  Lady Lee

  BT I agree - as an adult it is a choice - a hard one but still a choice.

  I have worked with the people with severe personality disorders. They choose to do the work because it hurts more to stay in the past. Fear is a huge motivator to stay where we are but it is also a huge motivator to move forward.

  Of all the people I have worked with I don't think there is any who if given the right set of therapists and the right support cannot make the change and work towards health. They are a courageous wonderful creative bunch of people and I feel honored to have been a part of their journey.

  That's not to say I haven't met some who didn't want to do the work. I certainly have. But all those who made the choice wound up improving their lives drastically in ways they never would have imagined
• 

  talesin

  {{{XW}}}

  You never know, sometimes the love gets through and touches a part ... maybe there is a piece of him that will forever be comforted by your love.

  You held out the real hope that he could trust. At the time, he couldn't embrace that hope, but he WILL remember. Don't underestimate what an effect this may have on his future.

  tal

  edit: This is how I began. A friend (not a lover, though) showed me real, unconditional love - it was like a miracle to me, that someone would actually love me - ME. wow! I was 35. There's always hope.
• 

  xenawarrior

  Thank you Nina and Lee!

  I haven't thought about this stuff for a while. This guy was a tough case. His own brother told me that he is surprised he's still alive. He's BPD all the way and yes- underneath it is an extremely intelligent, wonderful person. But he can't even get there anymore. He has no identity of his own and takes on the personalities and even the voices and mannerisms of those around him. His abandonment issues run deep. His mother died of cancer when he was about 7 and 1 1/2 years later his dad married the housekeeper. He died a year later in a motorcycle accident and the housekeeper was left with him and his brother and beat them senseless at every turn. They ran away and were taken in by an aunt and uncle and suffered more abuse there. And he was sexually molested by 2 different people-both men- that's all I could get out of him. Because of the BPD stuff I didn't know what to believe because the story was so tragic but both his brother and his uncle confirmed it all - except the sexual abuse which he never told anyone. His brother suffered the same physical abuse and he came out of it okay- went to college, is very successful and leads a wonderful life. His brother did the work.

  And yes, it takes a lot of energy to deal with someone who isn't dealing with it all- in fact living in denial. There were so many times where I was feeling like I was nuts because of the gaslighting that he'd use as a defense mechanism. And because he was still "stuck" in the child stage- he was more like a sibling to my daughter than my fiance and a parent. He'd actually "compete" against her for my attention and try to get her in trouble with me like little kids sometimes do with their siblings !! Crazymaking !!

  A large number of the people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder have been abused. It's sad to see them fighting with themselves to save themselves from themselves.

  Wow, I must have needed to get that out. Thanks for giving me a place to put it.

  XW
• 

  Big Tex

  (((XW)))

  Just remember, you are a dear, sweet and kind soul. Attach yourself to the good of this life, and ignore the bad. We've all been there and at some point, we accept that we cannot control the hate of others, we can only embrace the ideal of what we see for ourselves. Ignore the hounds, and realize how many people care for you beacause you are YOU.
• 

  Lady Lee

  Tal

  I too started my recovery because of a friend - an awesome person who hung in there for me when I was quite ready to give up on myself

  XW

  Yup I've lived this story too. I learned the hard way you can't love them better. They have to want to do the work and be bold enough to get past their fear.