What "CAUSES" a molested child to hurt? (Warning: Possible Triggers)

by gumby 195 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

• 

  xenawarrior

  Thank you (((((((talesin))))))))) and ((((((((tex)))))))))))

  and yes, I know- it is a choice on his part and I did the healing work I needed in order to understand that. Believe me, when I started out- I was so intertwined in his "maze" (my choice) that I thought it was me. I learned about what was ailing him (BPD) and the underlying reasons for his behavior and how it all stemmed from the abuses and the defenses he built . I spent a lot of time on a message board just like this one for those who have someone with the disorder in their lives and I learned a lot and then was able to stick around for a while and return that knowledge and support to others. I immersed myself in learning about it all and what was at the core of it and I walked away having healed and being able to feel empathy instead of anger or sadness.

  I guess that is why I have so much respect and admiration for you folks who are survivors and have done the work and found the tools and found yourselves.

  And I am certain that you are helping so many here who are reading but are not in a place yet where they feel they can talk about it. They'll get there too.

  Again- my hat is off to you all !!!

  XW
• 

  asleif_dufansdottir

  I have come really late to this thread because I've been avoiding it, but I have been thinking about the original question.

  When I was a child I always looked way older than I actually was. I was as tall as my teacher in the first grade (she was a really short woman, but still, she was an adult). And I've always been well-endowed. My mom said I was "born with a bustline". I was also a pretty intelligent kid, as far as books and vocabulary go, so I probably didn't talk like a kid.

  It was very common for men to pay attention to me that, as a child, I was not ready to handle. I do want to be clear about something, though. Aside from one very brief incident with a guy who was later convicted of molesting his girlfriend's kids, I wasn't abused. But I was uncomfortable, embarrassed, and scared. Often.

  You know how a man looks at a woman he's interested in, or winks, or tries to start a conversation with her? That sort of intense, mildly sexual interest? Stuff that would be totally innocent and normal and welcome if both of you were adults? Well, if you're on the receiving end of that as a kid, it's uncomfortable and scary.

  I'm not saying that they guys who made me uncomfortable were bad guys. The vast majority of them had no idea how old I was and probably would have been horrified. But I am saying that kids can instinctually realize that some interactions are uncomfortable...that there's something wrong with them. Even going to the mall, when I was a kid, was an exercise in embarrassment and discomfort. It was made worse by the fact that guys my own age didn't like me at all.

  Talking about it with my husband, much later, I realized that all the attention that I'd received that made me so embarrassed, uncomfortable and scared, would have been considered perfectly normal by an adult woman. The fact that I'd tried not to think about it for so many years, and had built up such a wall around it with big flashing signs saying "Scary! Stay away! Something wrong here!" in my mind...when I finally realized what had been going on, it was such a relief...finally, it wasn't something I'd done wrong or something that was wrong with me...it was just a misunderstanding (usually). Of course, I still have issues about it...but at least I know what I have issues about.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  Oh and Some join cults

  You don't say. How big a percentage of the converted JWs do you think were victims of child sexual abuse? It would be interesting to know.

  Heather
• 

  Lady Lee

  AD I know what you are talking about. I too was much taller and often taken for being much older than I was. And while my radar was on high alert for the weirdos I recall getting the unwanted attention from older boys and men. While I have a different perspective because of the abuse I can see how early develpoment and being so much bigger than other kids can invite a lot of unwanted attention. And that has to have an impact but as you say at least you know what the issue is now.

  Heather Well the general population is 6/10 girls will be exposed to some form of sexual abuse before they are 18. So you can be pretty sure the numbers are at least that. I can say that in the cong that I was in there were quite a few of us that I knew of at the time. Just off the top of my head I can think of 17 out of the 40 or so females. And 7 males immediately come to mind. Those were the ones I knew. 20 years ago it wasn't something that people talked about. Many of those were people who had been abused before they became JWs but a few of them were raised in it
• 

  gumby

  There is soooooo much to be learned here from all of you it's a bit scary.....but in a GOOD way.

  The trauma goes deeper than I thought.

  It seems from the comments, that the"traits" in a molested individual, could be hard to detect as evidence they have been molested. Shyness, anger, withdrawing, being sexual, trying to please everyone, etc. These traits are found in non-abused individuals too. I guess I'm wondering HOW YOU WOULD KNOW if a child has been molested since these traits appear even in healthy families. Is there something that stands out, that is recognised by one trained in this, or by one who is a victim and knows what to look for?

  I have always wondered if my older sister was molested in some way by my dad who was her uncle/dad. ( my mom was married to brothers. When my sisters dad....my uncle..., died of diabetes...then my mom married his brother which is my dad)

  Anyway......she had many of the traits you guys have mentioned. She told me one day her life was like a fairytale and nothing was real. She said she "acted" her life out like an act......that she didn't know who she really was. Since this thread has unfolded.....I have wondered if I should come out and ask her. She's a dub........but she will talk to me if I call or visit...( at least she did a year or so ago).

  Should I?

  Gumby
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  Should I?

  Gumby

  If you do, do it in the context of a general conversation about sexual abuse. Be discussing the subject in depth and say something like,"I'm glad I never was abused. Were you?" Or something. I wouldn't just blurt it out or anything like that. Put a lot of thought into how to broach the subject.

  Heather
• 

  Lady Lee

  Gumby

  It would be lovely if children who had been abused would respond with X and we would know. But people are a lot more complex than that. There are many things that look like abuse effects as you said. And it is more a collection of symptoms that we look for rather than one or two. But any one or two of the above might spark our concern and then we would be looking for other indicators.

  As for your sister. - well my advice and it is just that my opinion - others may and will offer different ideas so ultimately it will be a choice you make. But...

  If I were in that situation it would depend on how close we are and whether I would be in a position to be supportive if she needed it. I would also want to know about what is going on in her life. I would be hesitant to open Pandora's Box if the person didn't have the support they needed to deal with it. On the other hand if things are a real mess and the person looks like they are floundering and not getting the helpo they need asking the question might help them go in the right direction.

  Now depending on the situation I might ask outright. But if I chose to take a more cautious approach I might start with "I was watching a show on TV and then did some research and wow I was amazed at what I learned" or something like that. Then see if she nibbles on the topic. I might also say that "things were a mess growing up for us and I wondered..."

  But if I have really strong suspicions I just might ask outright - "Were you sexually abused as a kid?" ot "Did anyone ever touch you when you were growing up in a sexual way that you didn't want?" It all depends on the relationship and the person
• 

  LyinEyes

  Have anyone of you read .........." A child called.............IT"?????????reading this I promise you,,,,,,,,will shake you to your knees.....many, many people put the book down because of the horrors this young boy went thru........Others read it and totally understand , sad to say , but the dont' sympathize they feel the pain. Please note........... I am not saying read the book,,,,,,,,, it takes a strong will and stomach to do so.........but those who have know what I mean.

  My point of bringing this book up is........... the human spirit.............it can overcome and it can survive........no matter what atrocities are done. Not to say,,,,,,,,,,,that along the way there is pain, suffering and many years of therapy and healing.........that is a given. BUT..........you can ,most of the times,,,,,,,,,rise above the abuse and become a person that can offer at least understanding to someone eles.
• 

  gumby

  Heather, lee, Dede,

  Thanks. I also remember my sister that's just under her in age a couple of years, telling me my dad used to "look at her funny." She later explained my dad would look at my older sisters breast with his eyes when she walked by and made her feel bad. It may be nothing at all and this was many many years ago......but I'm going to find out. If something really did happen and my sister has hid it all these years......then maybe if she could open up about it and finally tell someone..... she could be happy again. She is so sweet and kind that it hurts to think she may have been a victim. My dad is no longer alive as he passed away with a stroke in 1990.

  Gumby
• 

  talesin

  {{{gumby}}}

  Most of the women I worked with only got denial from their families. It is often the case. Most of them longed for validation from their loved ones, to no avail.

  It sounds like you were/are close. Is this your 'gut' feeling? If you decide to talk to her about it, make sure it's in a private place where you will not be interrupted, and where she will feel safe.

  You could say something along these lines:

  "sis, there's something I've been concerned about ... I've learned some stuff about this issue recently from friends ... it happens to so many girls, I worry that you may have been one of them ... you can *ALWAYS* talk to me about anything and I will believe you"

  This will not 'put her on the spot' (it's kinda general), but gives her the opening she needs if, indeed, your gut is correct, and she wishes to disclose.

  Even if you are right, she may not be ready to disclose or she may not remember ... that's why the *always* is so important. If she says "no", then you can say, 'I wanted to ask, cause I would not want you to feel alone, it's happened to so many women, sis ... just remember, you can always talk to me'. This leaves the door open for her. No harm, no foul.

  tal