If your mate, had an affair, what would you do ??? really, think it out ...

by run dont walk 99 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  stillajwexelder

  I disagree and I am living proof. I went through it and the pain was incredible. I inflicted pain backa nd called her awhore etc in front of the kids. Many years later and we are still married and in love. I can not change what I did and nor can she. I still feel pain to this day, I still love her but vene now perhaps once every 3 months I dream about having an affiar to inflict pain back and get revenge. Revenge is a sick but powerful motivator. I hate feeeling the way I do - but what do I do -leave her?

  I truly wish I did not feel the way I do from time to time. I am sorry but that is the way it is. That is why since I have probably deep down not forgiven her that I feel I will die at Armageddon anyway so what the f#@&?
• 

  unbeliever

  My now ex bf cheated on me. I kicked him to the curb the day I found out. I knew he was sorry and regretted it but the trust was gone. There was no going back for me.
• 

  frankiespeakin

  Stiil,

  Don't worry about what some god will do to you, instead just try to realize we are all victim of our circumstanses,, you will be able to forgive when you anderstand that. We often don't get mad at ourselves because we make allowances for ourselfs , like Oh I was tired, or I was in a bad mood,,I got angry and so forth. When our eyes become open more to the other person we start to understand them and so we now make allowances for them according to what we understand. May one day it will hit you like a brick and you will see it so clearly,, anyway just entertaining the possiblity that this is true will help.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  Revenge actually works out to be like a gun that backfires. No matter what it is you are taking out revenge for: if you have ever done something to retaliate, you probably know what I mean.

  We all have to live with the bad things we do to others. It makes me think of Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol. I think of the heavy chains and boxes that Jacob Marley had to drag with him through out eternity. Once you get into your forties, you start to realize that you are already dragging the chains and boxes of everyone you ever deliberately hurt in your life. I am not saying that you think of it constantly, but it is there with you all the same like a lump in the sock and shoe of your mind.

  Better to make sure you communciate your pain to the other person in a more positive and helpful way. Let them really know how much what they have done affects you. Then the chain will be theirs to bear and not yours.

  On relationships worth fighting for:

  If you have a soulmate, best friend, kindred spirit, lover and a profound and grand relationship. If that mate steps out on you. It hurts you deeply. It cuts you to the bone. If it hurts to lose them in a temporary way, imagine how much it would hurt to lose them permanently to someone else.

  I am not talking of ill-matched couples who don't have wonderful, very meaningful relationships. It would be much easier to let go of someone that you aren't so happy with in the first place. I'd recommend, always, giving yourself at least six months to get through the pain and to start looking at things more objectively before you make permanent decisions like divorce.

  Stilla, I very deeply believe that with couples counseling you could start to heal your pain and deal with it better. Forgive yourself for calling her a whore in front of your children. Maybe they need counseling to deal with it all, too. Even if they are teenagers or adults they can still benefit from an objective counselor. Edit: maybe you have already tried this.
• 

  Es

  I would much rather my partner leave me than to have an affair. I would never be able to trust him again and it would end up breaking us up anyway. es
• 

  frankiespeakin

  I think it all depends on what type of relationship you have. I think most truly close ones they will work out something that reflects the close concern they have for each other, and those that were never really close and have certain strict rules as to how a relationship should and shouldn't be.

  And then there are those that say to hell with what everybody thinks, I'm going out of the box culture has provided and be open to new ideas and not fall into some old nonthinking way handed down to me from culture and habits.
• 

  bikerchic

  By the time I found out he cheated the first, no the second, no wait the third time we had 5 kids, they were very young and I felt trapped.

  Several years later he had a full blown affair, kids were older, youngest still in high school. He begged me to take him back with all kinds of promises especially that he would go to marriage counseling. I went alone, got stronger and left him after our son graduated high school.

  Best thing I ever did was to stay for the kids, best thing I ever did was to leave for me. I don't regret it at all, well only the part of marring him in the first place.
• 

  JW83

  GoldenGirl, thanks for sharing your story - you surely have the voice of experience. ((Hugs)) to you, & Stilla, and everyone else out there who has been cheated on.

  Frankie, I think you are being a little judgmental. Loving somebody involves making yourself vulnerable to rejection, and if your partner has an affair, you are being rejected on some level. That hurts.

  Brooke, I hope your man doesn't think you gave him the aok to have one affair!

  Kids definitely change the situation. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do. My husband says that if I cheated, it would all be over, & that an affair shows that there is a problem with the relationship. Problems can be fixed sometimes, though.
• 

  EvilForce

  Still.... To forgive you must forget the injury. It sounds like you have not...therefore you have not forgiven her. If she has asked for your forgiveness and you have granted it, then it is upon your shoulders to make yourself forget the pain and the insult. Why do you think the scrip To err is human to forgive devine. It's not easy but it is necessary.
  
  JW83 - How are you being "rejected" on some level? On that same rationale if you happen to see a male on TV or walking down the street you find sexually attracitve you have "rejected" your husband on a smaller level, yet still "rejected" him no?
• 

  JW83

  EF, I meant that if you are in a strictly monogamous relationship, & are under the impression that sex with a third party is a no-go, then at the very least your trust has been abused, & yes, I think there is a level of personal rejection. They should be being intimate with you, not with a third party, even if it is just for one night. I didn't mean 'you are being rejected' - blanket statement - just that there would be an element of that in it, & that is part of the reason it hurts so much. For many people, an affair would spell the end of a monogamous relationship, by definition.

  Also, it is very easy to preach 'forgiveness' & not 'selfcentredness' but the one being cheated on did not actually do anything 'wrong', although they possibly contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. For many people, I guess, monogamy is such a huge trust issue that once broken, it is very hard to forgive, even though they may want to.