If your mate, had an affair, what would you do ??? really, think it out ...

by run dont walk 99 Replies latest jw friends

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  carla

  He is with the watchtower. carla
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  EvilForce

  JW... I understand better now... broken trust is understandable.
  
  I was not preaching forgiveness as such...but if one DOES grant forgiveness than one must be able to forget. If you honestly think you cannot forget the injury then you should not grant forgiveness. That was my point. Because to hold that over someone AFTER you have supposedly forgiven them isn't right either. If someone cheats and asks forgiveness it's entirely appropriate to say "I will try and work thru the pain and will try and forgive you" and make a go at it. But once you say "I forgive you"...then it is a seperate thing. Make sense?
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  JW83
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  Dragonlady76

  All my life growing up I was taught adultery was a gravest sin and I still consider it that to this day. I have had men cheat on me in the past and it hurts like hell. Now there are situations in some marriages where one mate will neglect the other, sexually, emotionally or physicaly, the spouse will attempt to rein in the distant spouse attempt communication or counseling to no avail, eventually that person will wander away and seek attention elsewhere. Does this mean it's a bad or doomed marriage? No I think not. I know that some people out there are just plain assholes and will cheat for whatever petty reason but some cases are much deeper than that. Just my 2 cents.

  DL76
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  OldSoul

  I would separate/divorce with no bad feelings toward her. If I wasn't pleasing her or caring adequately for her needs in any respect, she should be free to find someone who can/does. However, I recognize about myself that part of my emotional need is to give myself to someone and have them appreciate me as their only. It isn't that I am jealous over her, but that I want her to value me as deeply as I value her. If she doesn't, there is little I can do to make her value me so why bother?

  Respectfully,
  OldSoul

  P.S. Before I get called "disingenuous" I would like to add that I worked this potential scenario out before getting married and informed my prospective mate of my decision well prior to the vows. We have a mutual understanding along these lines, sort of a "pre-nup agreement." While I am certain she would not be able to avoid harboring bad feelings toward me if I cheated on her, I have decided in advance not to waste the emotional energy.
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  frankiespeakin

  OS,

  I think we should never have a certain way set in stone, and proceed in a way that is not changable based on our feelings many years ago. Too ridged, and narrow with very little options.

  I feel it better to not make any advance hard fast rules and leave the mind open for many more ideas.
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  OldSoul

  Dude, I don't plan everything. But on this one, I know me. I am not going to fall apart again. 'Nuff said?
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  codeblue

  I put up with a cheating JW husband for 18 years. I will never forget the first time he cheated, just before our 2nd anniversary. I should have dumped him, but I thought I was in love with him.

  We never got any "counseling".....which I think is very important IF you proceed to stay together with the cheater.

  ... In fact, a person should have counseling BEFORE they decide if they want to pursue the marriage.

  I feel much like Stilla, the pain has continued...but then again he cheated on and off for 18 years, once even with my best friend who also was a JW!

  I have since remarried someone who's spouse also cheated on him. He knows the pain that goes with a cheating spouse. He was fortunate enough to afford counseling before he met me, so I think his pain is less than mine, learning how to cope with such a devastating event. Even though we are faithful to each other, I have to say the 18 year venture with a cheater has still left severe marks with me, PTSD caused from a cheating JW ex husband!!!

  CodeBlue
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  Special K

  I suppose if my mate cheated on me my first reaction would be a complete state of shock. We have been through so much together ,24 years, and have always maintained a solid committment to each other as we watched alot of our friends marriages fall apart.

  I think I'd have to run for councilling right away or I might react in an infantile childish manner and not in my adult person. We have three kids to think about who would be impacted by such a thing.

  I guess the very first step would be that he would have to move out and get an apartment while we worked through it all...Yup, there you go, that is what I would do.

  I have always been adamant that the kids need their Dad in their life and have always said I would never deny him access to the kids if something went awry between us. As I think about it now, I still feel this would still be the case. My kids have a tremendous relationship with their Dad and to separate them from each other would be detrimental to both Dad and our kids.

  Special K
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  Country Girl

  I guess really there would have to be a few elements in place that would allow me to make that decision:

  1) If the spouse *wants* to work on the marriage and get help; One person alone does not a marriage make.

  2) I *I* wanted to work on the marriage and get help; If I couldn't get over it, why waste his time and mine?

  3) The circumstances of the adulterous situation: one time mistake or ongoing? Extent of deception and emotions.

  Probably some marriages can be saved through hard work and dealing with trust issues, but it's got to be a pretty painful thing that takes a lot of heart and soul to deal with. I imagine those marriages might even come out stronger! But if you got a guy that just likes to park his boots under someone's bed on a consistent basis, then my bet would be that that won't work out too well.

  I find that chaining them to the bed in the evenings works very nicely.

  CG