If your mate, had an affair, what would you do ??? really, think it out ...

by run dont walk 99 Replies latest jw friends

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  target

  I admit to being the cheater. At the time I did not fully understand why I did it. When I look back on it now I see a girl who was the tenth child and no secret was made that so many children were not desired. My father's favorite expression was "If it were not for all these damn kids...."

  I grew up to marry a man who grew up with an alcoholic, emotionally abusive father. He followed in his foot steps. We of course became JWs. That way I could really have my self esteem stomped into the ground. I had never felt loved and he did not know how to love. The affair was a desperate attempt to feel loved. It did not work. Of course I was disfellowshipped and everyone felt sorry for him. They did not have any idea what went on behind closed doors. We went to counseling. After a few sessions they said they only needed to work with him. He really did not realize that how he was treating me and our son was wrong. He made a lot of changes and we worked on the marriage. Today is our 39th anniversary. We are out of the Org. Things are not perfect, but neither of us regret staying together. Our son married and we have 3 beautiful grandchildren.

  Do I regret the affair? You bet I do! Something had to give, though. I do not know what would have eventually happened if I had not had the affair.

  I did not have the affair for the sex. That part really did not even interest me. It was the part where I felt cared about, where I did not feel like everything I said was stupid and that I could never do anything right. That changed me forever. Over the years my self esteem grew and my preception of myself changed. No one else has the ability to control me or how I feel about myself anymore.

  Target
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  frankiespeakin

  Target,

  Interesting experience. Thank you for sharing it. I would like to ask for my own clearification. You say you regret that you had the affair yet you acknowledge very eloquently how this turn out to be a very big blessing for your marriage and self esteem. I'm glad that things turned out for the better. but the question I need to asked is: You have these mixed feelings about the affair, and say you regret it,, is the regret deep or is it merely a conditioned regret because that's the way you're supposed feel about it according to the society we live in?
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  target

  Frank

  What I regret is that I did not find a different solution to the problem. I hurt my husband deeply and I have had to live with that for many years. I wish there were someone I could have turned to. JW friends can not be trusted and the elders, well the PO told my husband that he could not believe that my husband chose to stay with me. He said he never would have.

  Yes I am a better person now, but I also carry the guilt and always will.

  Target
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  stillajwexelder

  Have you hardened your heart so that she can't hurt you again? These are all danger signs. Holding in anger only hurts you.

  I think you may have hit the nail on the head evilforce - I tried counselling but the JW issue kept coming up
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  EvilForce

  Still....I did not say any of those things to judge or beat you over the head :) Alot of times when I start asking these questions people start to serach their inner emotions to answer. My eastern religion background helped me to throw off alot of my own hurt and pain.... I think it's a better way of living. Not easy to do....but very worthwhile.
  
  So your wife is still an active JW I assume?
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  stillajwexelder

  So your wife is still an active JW I assume?

  Very -diehard
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  unbeliever

  Does she know you are still tormented by her affair? What is stopping you from going to counseling by yourself?
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  stillajwexelder

  Does she know you are still tormented by her affair? No that qould not be fair on her - deep down I am a decent human being What is stopping you from going to counseling by yourself? Pride- what could they possibly do to help me - how can I forget?
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  EvilForce

  Still.... step on your pride...promise yourself a 3 session outlet....give it a try no? What you have been doing so far hasn't worked right? Try something new. You have nothing to lose except a few $. You don't have to tell anyone. Don't you owe it to yourself?
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  LittleToe

  This just goes to show that you can post with someone for ages and not get to the depths beyond depths!

  Stilla:One of the benefit of counselling is that it helps tool you up with extra coping mechanisms. The ones you are using have kept it buried for this long, but from what your saying it seems that it continues to wound you.
  I just marvel that you've kept it together as well as you have, complete with expressing it here.

  If you can set aside the "pride", you may find yourself surprised. The stigma attached to it has all but disappeared, at last. We certainly didn't get taught a full range of coping skills as we were raised!

  Do yourself a favour and at least try it