If your mate, had an affair, what would you do ??? really, think it out ... (page 8)

EvilForce

Tyler...thank you for your candor.

OldSoul I disagree. If you say you forgive...how can you continue to hold that over them? Now, as I've said it's ok to choose not to forgive them...but once you have what more can the other party really do....it's now YOUR issue to deal with.

Still....each person is unique as to how they handle things like this. But your posts earlier made it seem like you have unresolved anger issues about the infidelity. Have you talked to a professional? Have you read any books? Why do you think you continue to feel this way? Are you afraid she'll be off again with someone else? Have you hardened your heart so that she can't hurt you again? These are all danger signs. Holding in anger only hurts you.

I did not state what I did as some cheap platitude. I think it is an essential part of the human experience.

OldSoul

EvilForce, what did you disagree with? I said Stilla doesn't need to do either. If he does forgive, he will forget. If he doesn't he won't.

It doesn't change the fact that he must find a way to cope with (manage) the feelings if he doesn't forgive and forget.

Respectfully,
OldSoul

EvilForce

Old...my point was that he said this happened many years ago. It's not like it recently happened and he needs to decide. So the onus is on him. Ya know?

JW83

Do we ever fully recover from such a breach of trust? And should we? Yes, we should, because then we would all be fully evolved, lovely empathetic human beings. Fact - we are human, we get hurt, sometimes we live with some part of that hurt for the rest of our lives. Just because you are consenting adults doesn't mean you aren't vulnerable. I feel for Stilla & everyone else, who are still coming to terms with the situation. Some residual hurt might always be there because we're human. (That's a cop-out, I know, but it's troooooooo!)

TresHappy

probably not...I can't make a judgment; it's never happened to me.

EvilForce

When conflict is reconciled, some hard feelings remain;
This is dangerous.

The sage accepts less than is due
And does not blame or punish;
For harmony seeks agreement
Where justice seeks payment.

The ancients said: "nature is impartial;
Therefore it serves those who serve all."

The Tao of EvilForce

OldSoul

EF: So the onus is on him. Ya know?

Agreed completely. None of us can change another person. None of us can undo anything someone did, not even for our own actions we regret.

Taking the vengeance route doesn't help. We only think we are paying the other person back, but usually we aren't really. They just end up believing we have become cruel or petty and eventually feel justified for leaving.

My heart goes out to stillaexjwelder anyway, because he gets the dubious honor of helping to prove that knowing the logical errors doesn't always mean humans act according to knowledge. I'm sure he has rationally figured out the most sensible course for himself, given his circumstances. I doubt the most rational course is the one he's following, because instinct kicks in.

Stilla,

Hang in there. Sort it all out. EvilForce's recommendation about counseling is excellent. If you go that route, be aware that you may be smarter than your analyst and be able to run rings around them in hiding the real issues. I suggest that you don't give in to the temptation. Temporarily give in to the catharsis and it has a better chance of success.

Respectfully,
OldSoul

EvilForce

So Tyler....You are the ONLY one that has admitted to being the cheater....yet stats show 60% or more have cheated....the silence is deafening no?

lv4fer

I've been married for 21 years. If my husband cheated on me, I'm pretty sure it would be over. I couldn't trust him anymore. I know I would have an extremely hard time forgiving him. So I'm sure I would call it quits. If he is cheating on me, he really doesn't want to me married to me anyway. If I cheated on him I would expect the same treatment.

candidlynuts

when it happened to me.. i was torn because , just because my spouse cheated , i didnt stop loving him overnight.. the sex was easier to forgive him for than the manipulation of me to make time to be with her.. all the lies and all the telling me i was stupid or crazy for being suspicious..

the romantic/deep marital love did die though.. took a couple more years but eventually i realized his cheating was a symptom of a marriage that was over anyway.i still care about him, and enjoy talking to him on occasion, co parenting etc.. but BOY am i glad i divorced him and moved on

. did you know theres men out there that dont yell at you over a broken egg or a door shut too loudly.... that think stretch marks are precious cuz they show you passed life on to another generation... that think i''m funny and a joy to be around? i never knew! and i'm having a blast finding out!

If your mate, had an affair, what would you do ??? really, think it out ...

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