You are an adult and therefore don't have to see people you do not want to. I agree that it is a good idea to state that you do not choose to give out personal details over the internet. You can also say that you have this brother's number and know where to reach him if you need to.
Posts by nugget
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46Uh Oh!!! The elders are coming!!!
by Blue Grass inwell after fading and keeping a low key i think the elders are finally going to get to me.
in 2007 i moved to another city but quickly moved back home about two months later.
the whole time everyone from my old congregation has been thinking i've been in another city.
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22
for those that married in the "truth"
by rockmehardplace inhow long did you date?
i was reading another post by exms and he mentioned three years.
in the area where i am at, three years would have never been accepted.
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nugget
2 and a half years from initial date to wedding. Ours was a long distance relationship that grew over time. Initially we saw each other one evening a week in company with other witnesses and we were never on our own for more than a few minutes. It was 7 months from engagement to wedding. We took the view that this was forever so it was something we both had to be sure about.
It made sense to take our time it makes me so annoyed to see young ones rush into marriage with little idea of what they are getting into or who they are marrying. No wonder there are so many marriage problems in the organisation.
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40
I had to hurt my kids this weekend... it sucks
by Aussie Oz ini have been in a world of pain this weekend.. some of you know the ongoing battle i have had with my ex wife, an uber dub hypocrite, over seeing my kids more.
3 weeks ago i managed to secure an agreement from her that provided my 13 yr old daughter friday night to sunday afternoons and for my 16 yr old son to have friday night to sat afternoon with the option to extend it to sunday if he so desires.
this is each second weekend.. first due weekend visit she rearranged the days so that she was technically pre agreement start date.
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nugget
You hated laying on the guilt but in this case it was entirely necessary. How many children can say that they have such a close and loving relationship with their father after a divorce? You offer them something special, important and valuable and this should never be underestimated.
Your ex wife is playing to her strengths, she lost the battle legally but intends to win the war via emotional blackmail and trickery. She is brilliant at it but it is unfair to use children as pawns in this way.
I would go back to the lawyer and ask her to reitterrate the agreement and point out that putting pressure on the children to break the arrangement is unacceptable. If there are any legal consequences it may be worth pointing them out to her. It may give her pause for thought. Showing the children the agreement was an excellent idea and sets a valuable president for future visits. It shows that this is not a choice they need to make it is a legal requirement that they must follow. They need not feel guilty this is something that was agreed by you and their mother. It also empowers them and gives them the reason to say no to their mother.
All you can do is reassure them of your love and how important this is. The first instance is the worst she was hoping you would cave in and comply, the fact you didn't is important. I don't think this war is over but you have made a stand. You sound like you supported each other, making tough decisions isn't easy and the short term distress will be less significant than the long term benefits of their relationship with you.
Make sure that when the children come over you make plans too you are entitled to assume that they will be there for the weekend make sure that your ex is aware that these plans are non negotiable.
I'm sorry it was hard but please believe it was worthwhile.
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24
im so worried about my daughter ,need some advice please !
by looloo inmy daughter was abused by an ex min servant age 13 , she is now 22 and has been with her loving caring boyfriend for a year (he is her 1st boyfriend ) over the years she has been bulimic ,self harmed and suffered low self esteem , i thought she had got better since the relationship with her boyfriend started , i found out yesterday that she is no better at all and im frightened for her , her boyfriend said "that bastard haunts her" she suffers flashbacks and post traumatis stress disorder , due to the horrific things the abuser did and said to her , which i cant bare to go into detail about as i try to block it out my mind , unfortunatly my poor girl cannot !
she has had a lot of help by a psyciatrist , counsellor etc but is no better so what can i do to help ?
have any of you been in this situation ?
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nugget
Looloo it took me well over 20 years to even begin to put things behind me. That doesn't mean that it affected me as badly as your daughter but it did haunt me. You think you are ok and then suddenly you are reminded and you are not. The flashbacks, reliving the events and trying to make them different are all after effects. She has little control of these and it is like carrying a corpse around with you constantly.
If she is no further forward then she may need to seek a different therapist or an alternative approach. Bulimia can be about having control of something as well as being about self loathing.
I feel for you both it is as traumatic to watch a loved on suffer as it is to be a victim. She has to rebuild her self esteem, and self confidence from scratch and be able to have experienced the tragedy but be able to move on from it. If you need to talk feel free to PM me.
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Is it mind control or just strong social conformity?
by AK - Jeff inor are the two interconnected?.
just watched a dateline episode that dealt with social conformity in which they duplicated the 50's experiment telling a person to shock another while listening to him scream from the other room.
most of the people involved just kept shocking the other person due to the authority figure in the room telling them to continue.. so, are jw's under mind control in it's purest form, or just under social conformity pressure?
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nugget
Professor Milgram's experiment sought to explain why ordinary people had performed such dreadful acts during the war. He demonstrated that all is required is an authority figure and because people are taught to defer to figures in authority they will do things that go against their conscience if the person in charge tells them to. However the people in the original experiment did not always comply with the instruction to shock the other participant and some of the people were also profoundly disturbed by what they believed they had done. Even when they discovered that the other person was an actor and had suffered no shocks they were still extremely upset by the experience.
This is different to the congregation set up where rather than deference to a person in authority people conform because of peer pressure from within the group. The governing body serves as the rationale behind the rules to shun but in general people don't shun because of them. People are isolated because other members of the group do this and loyalty to the group is demonstrated by isolating non conformists.
The congregation is a complex high control group which operates on both a social and mental level. The congregation are sheep like in that they do not question the rules even though they are inimical to health and well being of others. Even when there is no real cause for excluding people JWs will still make choices about who is a good associate and who isn't based on how closely an individual actually follows the rules that identify them as a member of the group. They do not require an authority figure to point out those that are not sheep like the social control allows them to do this with little thought or effort. A close friend of mine who is a JW and who attended family Christmases and social events and whose meeting attendance and Field service was sporadic has not spoken to me or telephoned in months. She has chosen to shun because I am following a different course to her. Social control skillfully applied is a powerful tool.
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Jehovah's Witnesses---A Religion That Frowns On Everything!
by minimus inyou can't do anything in the religion!
you can't hold hands with your spouse during prayers.. you can't wear a logo themed tee shirt when doing menial outdoor work at a "quick build" kingdom hall.. you have to wear a suit and tie or a dress when visiting a watchtower factory.. you can't enjoy an older recording of a favorite talk and pass it around because "the faithful slave" disapproves of that.. you can't further your education with college.. you shouldn't want to get married or have children as the end is soooo close.. they suck the life and enjoyment of people.....and i've only mentioned a fraction of things jws frown on.. .
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nugget
The constant guilt and stress, finding excuses for not doing more. My children quickly learned that the only reason for non attendance at meetings was illness so they would have no end of mystery illnesses and headaches on meeting nights.
At school so many new opportunities have been opened up to them, song practice, school plays, parties, celebrations of all sorts. Biggest of all the right to decide what they want to believe if anything. The right to think for themselves is the most important gain of all.
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37
Do not circulate recordings or transcripts of talks at the meetings last night.
by life is to short inok i listening in for the meetings and will probably go to the special talk sunday, they are having it this week because of the special assembly day last weekend.. i am doing this for a very good reason but it is driving me crazy listening to this stuff.
i need to vent of else i feel i will go crazy.
it is so stupid.. ok so last night was the question box and it was about recording the public talks.
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nugget
For a religion that calls itself the "Truth" to be afraid of it's own teachings says alot. Why did it take over 40 years for me to see through all this?
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My tale of woe
by serenitynow! ini guess i should tell my story.
i'm a born in.
both parents are jw, they did the pioneer serve where the need is great thing.
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nugget
Serenity, you have had a tough start in life through no fault of your own. You can try to fight the WTBTS to provide justice but be aware that there is little guarantee of success, they will always support their own over and above any others. Don't look to the society for assistance, I would see what is available to you outside the organisation. It is hard to move forward with such issues in your past I feel for you it takes courage and determination to make any progress.
This board is a great place to come for support and help.
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How Did You Find New Friends?
by daringhart13 ini'm painfully curious on this subject.. when you have devoted your entire life, your entire social circle, everything you know......to this religion....when you fade away, how did you make new friends?
how did you replace all those people you thought were your friends?.
on top of fading away....... i lost a 'relationship' with a 'sister' due to not wanting to continue as a jw.
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nugget
First step I found is to make yourself available for friendship. As a JW you don't have to put much effort into being a friend as it is an automatic privilege and you tend to go around with mental keep away signs so people see you as aloof.
What I did was start talking to other mothers waiting to pick up children at school and found a couple of friends people who were away from family and friends and needed support for back up childcare in emergencies and that sort of thing. Invite people for coffee if not convenient don't see it as rejection ask again another time.
Take courses you can meet great people with similar interests on these sort of things and it gives you somewhere to go. Volunteer to help out at school activities or community fund raisers become part of the community and you will be seen as someone to go to.
Re connect with worldly friends and df'd friends from your past. Start with the people you know and then work outwards to new ones. If anyone on the board is near you then meet up or try to get to apostafests where you can meet up and talk to people who understand what you are going through.
Making friends is not easy but it is worthwhile. Many people move away from friends and family each year due to work commitments and manage to build new relationships so it is possible. I wish you luck on your quest.
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Elder called last night and they are stopping by tonite for a 'visit'.......
by troubled mind insurprised me that he actually followed up on his word and called .
it will be strange after four yrs.
to have them in our house .my husband was not happy to hear it will be two brothers coming over, because he really does not want to feel we are being counseled .
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nugget
It sounds as if you had the visit on your own terms and handled it well. What is great is that they do not have the power over you they once had and that you have managed to build a new life without them.
It was good that you felt the meeting accomplished something positive for you rather than being an experience you endured. For all faders and leavers it gives encouragement that there is la brighter future out there. Thank you.