I have to body wrapped around this coffee before I proceed too far, but I appreciate the feedback from Chris and most anyone on the thread. Even if it turns argumentative and off topic, it is all part of the learning process. Just seeing the give and take from several people and from different angles adds a whole new dimension for people who have never delved into their abuse or their motives before. As a person who can take things they need from a thread like this it is important to remember the goal of a topic or similar subject and not get lost in the who is right/who is wrong aspect.
It really is easy to get caught up especially on discussion board in how annoying a person can be and miss the point. So with that said, before I start on a rant of observations and experiences,let me clarify that anything I write is just my experience. NOT gold. There is always the exception. Some people with bad ways of expressing themselves are not always wrong. They just perhaps write in a manner that rubs you wrong. Don't let that cloud the information coming through and surely don't let it stop you from hearing the message. People have a point that is correct some of the time. Period. Delivery is up to the messenger. Plus we might do good to be aware that even though things are posted here there is as with anything a degree of other psychological aspects coming into play. There are politics and games and hearsay and rumors and what not that goes on with a community like this. So even listening or reading someone is hard sometimes because you may have heard, read, something that makes you have a completely different idea about what the person is about and not actually LISTEN to the persons information. A lot of people have their own agenda.
You know as I sat in intense therapy for a good amount of time, I saw a lot of the angles that each person is saying. A good therapy group will help with that. The group aspect pulls not just one opinion in and gives you that to go on, it gives you a professional that guides the topics and guides the thinking process along. Nobody just answers all the questions for you.
It is tiring and just plain a whole breakdown and rebuilding of your thinking process. It also is a great way to see how others justify what they have or have not done in the situation they are in and to see yourself doing or having done the same ridiculous things that you may feel you have conquered and corrected. To see one person just going at it full blast with an incorrect angle makes you speak up in class. Then to turn about and have it pointed out to you that it is as plain as the nose on your face that you are doing exactly what you stand up against is eye opening.
I understand what HS is saying about careful about statements you make. I also think some are absolutely correct, but perhaps just need tweaking. When I was in therapy statements were made by the counselor themselves about how some professionals are not helpful. BUT it was tempered with making sure each person knew that if they are not getting what they need in a healthy way from who they are seeing...then it is OK to change. Not all people communicate the same and the same thing happens with professionals and patients. Sometimes it is not a good match. That egotistic therapist may be just the one someone else needs. They just may not be for you. That is why I stress going and getting proffessional help, but also listening to what your mind and body are saying in reaction to who is giving it and what is being said. Now there are some that are not going to like what they hear no matter what or who tells them and that is different all together. It is odd to see the difference in people that wanted to be there, and people who were forced. It was a night and day difference as to who participated and who did not. Who made advancement and who did not.
If you are a person who deals better with women, and you end up with a male who just being in the situation alone makes you feel stifled, then perhaps you should look for someone you feel more comfortable with. Someone you can give your full attention to and not be distracted by the outside noise that is coming in due to the situation you are in with whom you are working with.
Another point is that sometimes you have to do it in doses. For instance when I first learned that I had some of the things I do going on in my head, it was enough to just have a name for what ailed me. It helped so much. I left with a book the person gave me and thought to myself, "I have the answers now!" Wrong. Not even a tip of the iceberg. I did however get what I needed "at that time" and getting that small bit of info was enough to make HUGE changes.
Now, I see that as I adapted and did those steps and years of work on my own, I was ready for another dose. The changes I made caused problems I was not expecting. So returning for more intense treatment came into play. Years later, I was ready for more. It is kind of like training and learning some and immediately putting it to use. It sticks a bit better that way. Then as you take the steps you need, add some more angles on.
Nobody gets better overnight. I really don't think anyone who has not been in the situation can fully understand at the level the patient may need unless they are an exceptional person. Granted, taking on the job they do makes them exceptional to a point, but there is a difference in the level of depth the Therapist, Counselors, Psychologist and Psychiatrist are willing to go for one person or another. It is sad, but true. One person or another may get to them and actually move them to pour a bit more of themselves into helping.
Another thing of interest to me was the difference having a therapist who worked with people that religious problems involved. There is a whole new dimension added on when you are working with someone who has a lot of the hangups we have due to be over lorded by a group of controlling men with their own agendas. The loss of faith, the removal of any condescension because of not believing is relief factor and also helps the healing process.
One thing I truly appreciated was the privacy factor of true professionals. You would not believe the family members who wanted to help someone and then were right up their behinds. You sign a privacy policy with whom you are talking to and it is to be honored. And for once I liked that I was actually clued in. Instead of having all the behind the scenes going on with people talking about you and you are not in on it, You are told who checks on you, what doctor, what family. What was said, given a heads up if this was a red flag. I watched one poor lady who had a husband who sat in the hall outside of therapy everyday for a good month and probably did after I left that form of care (to a more intense and pointed situation). It was really odd at first, but with some time we all got used to him and truly started to see what she was going through. This made it easier to help her when we saw how far from removed she was from where anyone else was at. It was another layer that truly all had to deal with in some way or form. Even if the family did not stand outside the door...we all had people that had thier lives hinge upon what happened in therapy that day. Employer, kids, estranged family, but mostly yourself.
And the tearing down the walls of the us/them concept is truly a hard one to get past when dealing with professionals and friends. It is as if classifying oneself as above it, or helps some feel better/superior. Maybe that is what they need so what I do is just let them. It is a class distinction that in my opinion need not be maintained. It seems to me, just by carrying on that mentality promotes a separation of goals. But if you don't let it bother you, then you don't have to have huge arguments about it. So they want to be the queen of Egypt in their own mind. So be it. It harms me none if they feel that way. That queen may have some very good points that I need if I just skip past the argument.
With that side point out of the way, I wanted to tell CBD that getting help for situations may be in due order. Calling people out for some situations may be in due order. but if you focus all of your energies or emotions into the hurt you feel by not being able to get justice, then you have wasted a lot of time focusing on something that in YOUR life may not be the best thing. Some people have to set it all correct and they have the stamina to fight it till the end. Some think they do and then burn out, leaving a messed up shell of a person who has just hurt themselves. I am so sorry hon that you are going through all of this and I truly don't want anyone to feel pain and all the confusion that goes with these subjects. I hope your journey finds you some conclusion even if it is that in your case there is not a conclusion and finding a peaceful spot with knowing you have done what all YOU can do and being able to move forward.
I also think that having names out there opens a lot of liability that some people may feel good at the moment, but add a lot they don't need and with the state they are in are not prepared. I like that the list of towns that has been set up. I do know I sent in my family members name once. A convicted molester. I don't see his town on there. So I guess that is something I can do and make sure the word gets about. Things fall through the cracks all the time.
And CBD~ I am still on my journey and will be the rest of my life. We all have one. Hopefully at some point your journey leaves this behind and lets you function with a good feeling. Without all of this even bothering you on a way that messes up your day. Your knowledge you get can help so many and how you act on it also helps so many. Even if it is just by living well.
Not so sure if this makes sense seeing when I get on a roll I can talk...but, I tried really hard to focus and not wander.
