OMG, this thread stirs up such bad memories. Stuff I repressed is jumping out at me. One of the worst things about child beatings is that a child believes it is the child, never the almighty parent. I learned rto disassociate from situations. People are shocked by how casually I apologize for something clearly not my fault. They are horrified by the frequency of the apologies.A teacher could be 100% wrong yet if they made the slightest comment, not even a negative one, I was beat horribly.
The Ministry School was absolute agony for me. Two weeks before my whatever I would become sick with stomach cramps. Schoolwork and the approval of teachers was so important to me. Yet God was even more important. If I made a flub at eleven years of age, most of the KH laughed at me. My whatever was critiqued as though I were fifty years old and had impressive professional credentials in several areas.
College was central to my life. It was so much more important to me than for my classmates who never doubted that they would graduate. Through good fortune, hard work, and social policy I was accepted at an Ivy League college. Altho I was very popular in high school, I was terrifed to talk to anyone. I heard how no good I was from birth. College was my exit out of the Witnesses. Besides a few works, I talked to no one for several semesters. People must have thought I was rude. It is a miracle I stayed in school. Of course, if I had confided in one person, my problem would have been largely solved. I felt like I was commiting fraud. All my hopes and dreams seemed dashed. If took several years to assimilate.
My mother also grew up in abusive JW household and was expelled at fourteen b/c of flag salute problems. She never looked anyone in the eye. Spending a dollar on herself was too much. Her paycheck had to turned over to the my father. This was my role model. Only a few months after leaving the Witness, people remarked at the drastic difference in her. She spoke to people. In the end, she adored livng in Manhattan. Her social skills were so good that a very prestigious pt practice with many celebrity and corporate clients begged her to work for them. She met captains of industry and major film stars. She was so happy. Her interest in porters, supers, retail clerks helped me so much. Countless times an exemption was made for me b/c I was her daughter.
My whole life has been a massive struggle to overcome my childhod. Something must be done to stop the cycle of abuse from going down countless generations. Adult Children of Alcholics and Dysfunctional Parents provides much info and help in this area. Stumbling through therapy that not so hopeful I came across a rational/cognitive therapy institute. They taught people how to ask for dates, assert themselves, make small talk at parties, dance, etc. It was so pragmatic. Too many other therapists assume b/c these lessons were provided to them,everyone learned them.
I could not dance b/c my cousin screamed Jehovah would wipe me out. Being a Watusi was being Satanic. I don't think Watusis would agree. Finally, I paid a lot of money for a dance teacher. It also took medical hypnosis to get over my fear. My life is littered with these gems.
